Forgiveness?????

[MuddleThrough]

I wouldn't have to ever think about the OW and all the way that I feel I am not good enough for him.

You don't have to while you're in this sitch either.

It's still been weighing so heavily on my mind.

Focus on something else. While it is natural to obsess over a truamatic event, there's nothing that thinking about this will help you with. Try and become aware of which thoughts are self defeatist and stop them. CHOOSE not to think them, or to counter them with 3 positive thoughts about the same subject.

I know I would still think about her and him . . but I guess I just don't feel that it would half as bad is I wasn't trying to salvage our relationship that he went outside of anyway to be with her.

You don't know how it "would" be. Would you feel better about yourself if you tried to salvage your R? Then do it for yourself and not for him or to get a reaction out of him.

But if I could just not constantly feel that he's walking in and out and back and forth . . I could buckle down and do what I need to do.

Remember what GH said about buts. . .
You are making your actions contingent on his. You are in some way trying to control what he does by withholding your actions until he does something. Do you want to act or not? Stop waiting for him and do for yourself.

So that said . . . I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DETACH ENOUGH TO NOT CARE WHAT HE'S DOING AND WORK ON MYSELF

Great - but I think you know, you just need to put it into action

---

so that he'll make up his mind to stay and I can be wonderful and loving and he'll never second guess that decision.

---

Not so great. You're not changing to please him. Your changes have to be done from within - using his feedback where you see fit, but using your own judgement. YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM. He WILL benefit from it, as will the relationship. But you are doing it for YOU, who will benefit from it if the R doesn't work, for whatever reason, for the rest of your life.