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Ok, so if it were not for your H, what WOULD you do? Would you move? Date? Find a job? What are you holding back from doing because of him? Maybe figuring that out would lead you to understand more about what you need to do WITH him in the picture.




No I wouldn't move. I plan on finding a job even if we stay in this R. I would most certainly date . . . maybe not right away.

I wouldn't have to ever think about the OW and all the way that I feel I am not good enough for him.
It's still been weighing so heavily on my mind.

I know I would still think about her and him . . but I guess I just don't feel that it would half as bad is I wasn't trying to salvage our relationship that he went outside of anyway to be with her.

Now that he's actually out on the road and driving . . I feel better about his whole job situation.
I honestly wouldn't want him here all the time right now.
It's something that in a few months we may want to reevalute . . . maybe 2 or maybe 6 or maybe a year.
He's talked about maybe not liking being gone so much and wanting to find something that gives him more home time.
I think that his job will work out best in the end.

As for what else I would differently . . . nothing really.
Just moving on with my life, trying to pick up the pieces . . instead of spinning my wheels in the same rut.
Not that I would go about it any better than I am right now. But when you don't have choice (like when he kicked me out before I was so PANICKED about where I was going live and how I was going to pay for anything.) BUT now I have an apartment and I pay my bills. He hasn't given me money in 3 or 4 months now I think.

I honestly thanked him for everything that's happened (him kicking me out and everything) when he asked why. I told him because it's made me do things I was terrified to do, it's helped me grow as a person and see that although I really want him in my life I don't TOTALLY need him. I told him it helped me be more independant.

Right now the big issue for me as it has been lately is the PA and getting myself over it enough to be normal. He and I would be fine if I could just get over that.
Reguardless of that before I get yelled at I understand that I have a lot of work to do ON ME without him.
But if I could just not constantly feel that he's walking in and out and back and forth . . I could buckle down and do what I need to do.
So that said . . . I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DETACH ENOUGH TO NOT CARE WHAT HE'S DOING AND WORK ON MYSELF so that he'll make up his mind to stay and I can be wonderful and loving and he'll never second guess that decision. I freak out and make him second guess coming back . . I do see that.