Forgiveness?????

[grasshopper]

Ok, let me help you understand the slight (or not so slight) difference between how you think now and how we are trying to get you to think about your sitch...

I know that I can't make him stick to his words.

No, but you CAN eventually (not now, you're too emotional) set boundaries and then stick to them, i.e. If H cheats again I will leave HIM and for good. So no, you CAN'T MAKE him do anything but you CAN make sure you know what your boundaries are and make the commitment to yourself to back them up with action.

I can't influence the things he does.

Bull$hit. You certainly CAN influence the things he does. That's what we've been trying to tell you all along. The problem is that INFLUENCE is not good enough for you. You want control and no, you can't have that.

Your actions and words DO influence him. To what extent none of us know, but our collective opinion over the past week or so has been that your ACTIONS/WORDS have INFLUENCED him to go away rather than stay with you.

We are trying to get you to see that your influence is CRITICAL and the only way to actually influence your sitch for the better is to stop all the negative thought and start learning how to be stronger, more independent and happier on your own so that your very being influences him to change HIS behavior towards you.

Maybe I am still to focused on working on this stuff because I want my M to work (at least from my end.) but isn't that why we're all here?1?!?!?

It's a chicken/egg thing. Yes, we all came here, and honestly are still here, to fix our marriages but many of us have discovered that there is a LOT of work to do on ourselves before WE are ready for our marriage to resume, no matter WHAT our partners do or don't do. You fall squarely into this category. I do NOT think you are ready to be in a marriage with a man who will be gone 3/4 of the time with all the opportunity in the world to be having an affair, if only in your head.

I hate to be the one to point this out, but your sitch is even more tough than many of ours because of the job your H will have, and in the end, it's likely you'll have to be even STRONGER than the rest of us to deal with not only YOUR mind's idea of what he may be up to, but the reality that he will be gone so much of the time and you'll only have you to rely on for happiness and health.

That said, you have all the tools to BE that strong woman, you just have to decide to use them.

It would be much easier for me to decide what to do with myself if it weren't for my H. I know that I'll get a good shaking for that . . . but it's the way I feel.

Ok, so if it were not for your H, what WOULD you do? Would you move? Date? Find a job? What are you holding back from doing because of him? Maybe figuring that out would lead you to understand more about what you need to do WITH him in the picture.

I think many people make the mistake of believing they can only do certain things AFTER their spouse is gone, when in fact, they CAN do it while they are there but it requires detachment and a lot of personal strength, something that a lot of us don't have, at least in the beginning.

I don't even really know how I am as a person. I've spent to much time losing my identity . . .

Oh, BTW Emily, I AM that person too. I am 35 and it took this event in my life to realize that I NEVER took the time to figure out who I was. You have a HUGE advantage over me and the rest of us because actually you are at the point in life where you aren't SUPPOSED to know that yet. These years are when you learn the most about who you are, so realize that, don't beat yourself up too much and start learning about Emily. I think you'll like her once she comes out of her shell enough to talk to you.

GH