I haven't posted to you in awhile. I'm not quite sure why I can't seem to come up with something worthwile to say.
As to your realization that you were an accomplice... I think you may be right. Seems like his pattern was to beat himself up over his actions and wait for you to rescue him from himself.
The latest EA was probably nothing special to him. More of a fantasy than anything. No harm done as long as he didn't act on it, or you didn't find out.
But you did find out. When that happened, he felt like krap, but you calmed him down.
I don't think this was wrong, but as of now, he has to start taking responsibility, not only for his own actions, but his own thoughts.
I don't believe a person has to tell his/her spouse everything. If an EA passes into oblivion, then it was only a passing fancy, and telling your spouse would only provoke bad feelings.
I've posted it before, but I'll say it again. This is what your H should have done about the EA.
So now, it's up to him to put that in the past. Your role, as I see it, is simply to allow him to do this.
That doesn't mean placating him about it. It just means that you let it slide into the past.
I know you had an hard time doing that wrt the PA. I think the thread where I found you was called "getting over it."
But FWIW, I don't think the EA went far enough for you to fret over it as much as you did for the PA.
I also think you're doing a wonderful job of "getting over it" once again.
Rachael,
FWIW, here's my take on your sit:
I think that the change in your H's sexual behavior isn't as sudden as you think. He may have appeared to be fine since he came back, but I suspect that his guilt and suffering self esteem after the A put a damper on his libido long before it became evident to you.
I think that it has nothing to do with OW in that I don't think he covets her anymore. I think it has everything to do with OW in that he has to get her out of his mind before he can enjoy sex with you.
His memory of her is no longer a pleasant one, and he has to get over that memory. If memories of her are conjured up when he has sex with you, how do you think he feels? I would say, not very good.
This has been going on since he returned to you, and he tried very hard to bury her in the past.
The apparent suddenness of all of this is only because he tried real hard, and it didn't work.
He'll try again, Rachael. He just needs a little time to get the guilt out of his system.
