Well my H is on the way to Ohio. . . he called yesterday around 5 to tell me he had to go. THEN the car (that we just put $1500 into) BROKE DOWN. So . . . he ended up waiting at the operating center until he found someone going that way. Around 11:30 last night he called to let me he was going. So . . . I don't know when I'll hear from him again, his cell phone is only on a plan that works in a certain area so he won't be able to call me. It could be two weeks before I even talk to him again.
I guess the whole point of that story is just to let you know that from here out things are backed off because there is no other option!
It's a nasty rainy day . . and they always make me feel so sad! I hate depressing days. . . I'm having a hard enough time swallowing all my emotions about his current job and the way things went this past weekend. Now that I've had time to sit and think . . . I did A LOT of shoving him away and I really didn't do very well at my DBing. I honestly worked my tail off trying to bite my tongue and not think about it, but it was just THERE all weekend. It REALLY hurts because I just don't feel good enough for him. I don't feel pretty enough or thin enough, and I don't know how to change those feelings. I always felt that way about myself . . . but at least when he and I got together I thought I was good enough for him. I don't even think that the OW is pretty but I insist on constantly telling myself that she's better and that's why he was with her. I don't understand. . . what a blow to my VERY little self-esteem. These are things I am doing to myself and I just can't figure out how to stop my self destructive behaviour. I'll go look at that website shortly.
Actually Frank I cried quite a bit over this weekend. . . . especially the first night he was here. (Don't worry I waited until he was sleep). It felt so nice to have him with me . . . to have him hugging me, and I just miss him so much. I really cried for everything. I try to avoid sad movies because once I get my brain on that track it chugs out of control. Thanks again guys. I really hope I can fix this! I want to have my H in my life.
