You need to calm down. Look at what you're doing to yourself. I almost think it would be better to 'decide' it's over with H and just get on with your life.
This emotional rollercoaster you are putting yourself through is not healthy at all. Calm down.
When was the last time you had a good cleansing cry? Rent, borrow or look on TV for a good, sad movie so you can release some of this emotion. It's destroying you. I think you need to just let him go for now and get yourself grounded because you are NOT grounded. He doesn't matter right, it's YOU that matters right now.
Please pause, sit quietly and watch a sad movie or do something to release this hurt. Please. I'm worried about you. Take care of YOU.
