Well I still haven't heard from my H to find out whether or not he is coming home or going to Ohio.
I am getting worried.
Not because I think the R is over or because I think he is cheating . . . only because I really wanted to talk to him one last time before he went out on the road for 2 weeks.

I think his phone battery died earlier when we were talking because it cut out and he hasn't called since.
He said he would come home tonight if he didn't have to leave today . . . I just want to know if he is coming or not.
I'll be up all night waiting for if he doesn't call me . . . I'll drive myself crazy.

I'm not trying to ignore the advice given to me . . I SWEAR!
I really am not!
I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EXACTLY HOW TO APPLY IT TO MY SITCH WITH MY H!!!
So maybe I'm a little slow about understanding and doing it all but I promise I do take it all in.
I understand why you all get frustraighted and have to stop posting . . . but please don't think I am trying to be ignorant and " sabatoge my marriage"
I WOULDN"T BE HERE RIGHT NOW TRYING THIS DAMN IT!!
I am honestly trying!!!
That's why I kept my feelings in as best I could
That's why I keep supporting my H and trying to stay lovingly detached.
That's why I am TRYING!
That's the best I can do . . try.
It's NOT all talk . . I did put it into action this weekend. . . . it can only get better.
I mean unless he comes back tonight for awhile . . it'll be three weeks before I see again.
That's plenty of time to keep building on myself so that I can be a WONDERFUL person when he comes home next time.

I am going to try and change my thinking . . . I am honestly going to tell myself not to second guess anything he is telling me because his actions are proving that he wants to try . . . and I do see where I am pushing him farther and farther away.
I need to change something . . . . and the only thing I can change is my thinking about how much he lies.
SO . . . I might as well try, because at this point it's going to hurt either way.

I just hope he calls me tonight so that I am not worried about him.