What does any of this matter? IF he is cheating still and ready to leave, well, then he's gonna leave and there isn't much you can do about it...except work on YOU, the same thing you will have to do AFTER he's gone.
Quote: He went for a walk and when he came back he said that he was leaving today because he wanted to go see his grandpa before he went out on the road for three weeks. SAME EXCUSE AS BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know that for sure? You sound pretty sure that this is an excuse of some sort. An excuse to do what? See OW? How about an excuse to get away from a manic W who keeps dwelling on the past that he feels SO guilty about and would do anything to erase? Is that POSSIBLE?
I'm NOT saying that's the case but you seem awfully sure that something else is going on. You need to stop thinking you know everything that's going on in his head and life. If you want him gone, keep on this path of constant paranoia and acting/speaking out because of your inability to center yourself and stop controlling him.
I say it again. IF he wants to leave you, he will leave you, it's that simple. No amount of "stuff" you know through snooping or anger you have towards him is going to stop that. What's going to stop that is for him to realize that he's made a HUGE mistake and that his marriage is what he wants, not anything else.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but he's said that's the case and also seems to be taking some actions to back that up, right? Yet, and this IS natural albeit unfortunate, you persist in assuming that every time he leaves the house he's banging some other woman or seeing a lawyer to file for divorce...two things that, BTW, you can't do a damn thing about so why worry so much about them.
Quote: Well this morning was better . . . when he left (20 minutes ago or so) he didn't do it in a fight and he said that if he doesn't have a training instructor to go with today he'll come back here tonight.
Again, I am not trying to prop him up here, but it seems like he's TRYING to do the right thing but it's probably pretty hard at this point, what with all his own guilt and that which you keep piling on. Let's just pretend, for a minute, that he is 100% sincere about his desire for things to work out with you. Do you see your constant "edge" as contributing to that outcome? How about if he is only 50% sure. Don't you see that in either case, this behavior from YOU, whether you feel entitled to it or not, is going to tip the scales AGAINST you?
Quote: I am sick of going in these circles with him though.
So stop. YOU seem to be the one starting the circle every time. Next time you go to open your mouth and you see the circle about to start again, SHUT YOUR MOUTH and see what happens. Does the circle continue or do you finally start to explore new territory?
Quote: I don't understand.
That's understandable. You are emotional and feel vulnerable. You have a baby to care for and you're young. Your H cheated on you and you don't know what's going to happen in the future. It's hard to understand what to do about all that...well, we're TRYING to tell you. Please let us help YOU help yourself.
Quote: I am so scared and upset . . . I mean I just keep thinking of when he left in May. I see a lot of similarities . . . the only difference is this time he's said nothing about wanting to be over.
Let me clue you into a little secret. My W's affair has supposedly been over for about 3 months now (I think...losing track of time) and I am 99% sure that it is. I STILL see things in our life that seem the same as when the affair was on...because THEY TRIED TO LIE TO US AND MAKE THEIR AFFAIR FIT INTO THEIR DAILY LIVES. My W used perfectly normal, everyday things like going shopping or to the movies with friends as cover for her affair. The gym, a HUGE part of her life, was where she met OM. You know what, she still goes to the gym every other day. Don't you think that I feel like every time she goes, she's f--king the OM? I sure as hell do, but then I realize that THAT'S MY PROBLEM because of course she's NOT f--king the OM everytime she goes to the gym. She's going to the gym for the same reasons she went the previous 2 years, to work out, and I KNOW that because I've been there with her since and she takes the kids all the time, two things that NEVER happened during the affair.
You see, my W IS trying to tell me something, and I am listening. Does that mean I trust her 100%? Fankly, no, I don't but I don't have to trust her right now. We are WORKING on that but to expect it to just be there, as a condition of our reconciliation is stupid on my part.
What I am trying to say to you is that there will ALWAYS be things that LOOK like things he did when he cheated but you have to understand that just because he takes a walk by himself, takes a little longer in the restaurant bathroom or is late coming home from work, it DOES NOT MEAN there is an OW again.
Quote: I just can't believe him.
Why do you need to believe him? For the third time, if he wants to leave, he will. Simple as that. It really doesn't matter whether you believe him or not. Do you need to believe him because you are still bent on relying on him for your own emotional stability and are afraid to give that responsibility back to him because he may be lying again and hurt you? If that's the case, then it's as simple as NOT making him responsible for your emotional well-being. Learn to take care of that on your own. Let HIM be there to HELP but not DO for you. Do you see the difference?
Quote: Of course I feel that he is going back down there to be with OW. He could have seen his mom and grandpa anytime over the past 2 weeks while he was training. He saw his mom quite a bit as a matter of fact. BUT . . .
A wise old poster here once told me something that to this day affects how I write my own stuff and read what other's post. He said that everything after a "but" makes whatever came before it irrelevant. That seems to be VERY true and if you look at your own thoughts with this in mind, you will notice how often you negate much of what you say with "but" statements.
SO, sure, you now notice that he saw his mom and that seemed to be SOME evidence that MAYBE he was not lying...but
Quote: the point is he left . . . and until he calls me later . . . I don't know exactly what is going on. I have to go feed the baby . . I'll be around later . .
Yes you do know EXACTLY what's going on. Your cheating H claims to be making an effort to come back to you, something that you are still conflicted about. You seem to think there should me more. What more could there be?
I think you need to feed your baby and then get back to working on you. I know that's hard to do right now, but it's all you have for sure, and certainly all you can count on. I think most of your problem stems from this overwhelming need you seem to have to put your eggs back in his basket instead of allowing the reconciliation process to move at it's own pace. You somehow want things to be fixed today and to be able to go back to feeling however you did before the affair, which, IMHO, is the same as wanting ignorance because things were NOT good before the affair and even if you thought they were, something had to give and now, if things DO work out, you have the chance to identify that which "gave" on his end and work together to fix that aspect of your R and nurture all the rest of it.
