I'm trying with everything Ihave in me MAttie to try. Some days its just so DRAINING. If I had to work now I don't know what I'd do. I worked for the 6 months he left me and then 3 months after he came back and the anxiety and panic were just so terribly bad I finally couldn't do it anymore. I had to have time to heal mentally and physically. THey are bopth coming along VERY slow.
I usually don't get moppy if he can't or won't perform. I know I could make him if I really tried, but I want him to wan tme so I back off. I will just be his friend and girlfriend and let him come to me. What bothers me is when you have the least little fight or blow up they think your back to square one. WEll at least he was thinking that way last night. He is being very loving today-already stopped by the house 2 times and keeps wishing me a Happy Birthdayand telling me he loves me. I have NO IDEA what last night was all about. I guess it was about old habits. HE fell into it and then I followed right along. You'd think we'd know better after allthis money I'm speding on C. She is WONDERFUL-we could use seeingher twice a week but could nver afford that, so its once every other week and we are really ready for it every time. WE do make headway. Wouldn't be wonderful if there was a magic way fro us to know if they are 100% telling us the truth? I would feel so much more at ease if there were. After beinglied to fro solong you want to beleive them so bad youwonder if you can trust them or your own judgement! TIme is the only thing that will tell. I hate that! HE's leaving fro a 10 dy mototrcycle trip with our next door neighbor and at least I won;t have to worry abou thim then, but I'll miss him ,ike crazy. Maybe it will do us good to be apart fro a little while. I think your right about the sex thing. Andy says I use it as blackmail which my husband has more or less said hmself-that's where Andy got it. He actually said I use it as a tool-smae thing I guess. Your right-he wants to be wanted for himslef not becasue I want to keep him or use it as a tool. I will be more careful in that dept and see how things pan out. Thanks for the B-day wishes! Rachael M.


Rachael