I went through the same thing with my H. When he dropped the bomb back in October he wanted me all the time. After a while things started to slow down some. Part of that was normal -- neither one of us could keep up that pace forever. Part of it was his guilt over what he'd done. Part of it, apparently, was his guilt over what he was still doing, which at that point had'd progressed to ILY's, but he still knew that having contact with this OW #2 was wrong and that he was having "feelings" for her.
So, then we fast-foward to when the ILY's apparently started with OW #2. He started having trouble completing the act. That was a viscious cyce, because when that would happen he'd be afraid of it happening again so he'd obscess about it; and, of course, it would happen again. I realize now that he was probably experiencing excruciating pain and guilt and this was how it was manifesting itself.
At one point a couple months ago my H told me he "didn't love me the way I deserved to be loved," and that he wasn't sure he was committed to OR anymore. Oddly enough, that seemed to take some pressure off him and things started improving in that department.
When I found out about this OW #2, he really thought it was over and that I wouldn't give him another chance. He knew he didn't deserve another chance, but he was terrified of losing me and the kids. I made him sleep downstairs (first time ever in 19 years together -- no matter how angry I was at him). He came up to my room immediately in the morning upon hearing me walking around. He laid on the bed next to me and talked and talked and talked. All the while just running his fingers up and down my arms or my face or my back. He just needed physical contact. At one point he tried to get a little more personal and I wouldn't let him. That's the first time that's happened in 2 years. I guess he felt at that point that he was really losing me. He grabbed me with both arms and legs and just held on tight, even as I tried to get away.
So another night downstairs alone, alot more talking -- with me and the kids -- and he asks me for another chance; tells me that he knows he loves me; asks me to help him through this crisis (first time in all this mess he admitted that he was in crisis); and tells me he's committed 110% to OR. He told me at that point that his libedo was not what it used to be (he's Latin and VERY sexual), and if he didn't seem as interested or things didn't "work" right, for me not to think it was because of the OW.
Well, things have "worked" perfectly every time -- and there have been many times in the past two weeks. I do see a slight slow down since he returned to work, but I am not concerned. I do not think it has anything to do with me. He hates his job. And, quite frankly, he's depressed (he finally admitted that's probably true -- geeze!!). Depression takes a toll on one's libedo. Guilt -- which he's experiencing a mega dose of -- takes a toll on libedo.
And, Rachel, a spouse who's questioning him all the time and making him think about things that he'd rather forget can take a toll on his libedo!! Try to control your need for affirmation. Try to control your need to question him about the OW. Try to act happy, be flirtatous, have fun.
If you were not very sexually responsive in the past, the fact that you are now and are whinning about his lack of response (don't get mad. I've been there myself) is making him suspicious regarding your sudden change in libedo. A man wants to be wanted for himself, not because we're afraid of losing them.
You might also trying just backing off a little for a while and see what happens. Let him come to you. Let him "know" that you want him, but don't get moppy if he's not responsive. Make him WANT to be with you, Rachel. Think about it. Would you feel responsive if your H was acting the way you are right now?
Be strong, hon. You can make this work. You have the power.
