Quote: It's that whole . . it's my fault he had the PA thing rearing it's ugly head.
See, here again I have intentionally NOT read your history to try to give you a fresh perspective on what's happening NOW. The others that have been with you, and RB who put in the serious catch-up time have got you covered from the historical point of view.
From reading some of what Frank has posted to you, I assume there has been discussion of this in the past but I just want to make something clear, at least in my opinion. You ARE to blame in some way for what's wrong with your marriage but NOT for his actions. I think it's a HUGE step for each of us to begin to accept that we ARE part of the problem and then decide to be part of the solution instead.
You may very well have been "not good enough" in his mind but that's not your fault. What IS your fault is how you behave now that you know there were issues in your marriage.
Of course, I don't discount the age thing for a second. I believe that does have a large role to play here and a lot of what you are going through is a natural part of growth for people your age. That said, there is still no excuse for his actions, young or old.
I just think you have to accept that you BOTH have feelings about not being good enough and that the marriage has failed you in some way. You can have those feelings and not them paralyze you when it comes to going forward. It's not the old marriage you're concerned with now, it's the new one, built on the foundation of your newfound wisdom and knowledge of what YOU want.
I think it's safe to say that the only person you really need to be good enough for is you, and I know that's a really hard place for you to get. I think once you get there, start to realize that you ARE worth it, whatever "it" is and decide to go for it, you will be well on your way.
I love this change in attitude and think it will serve you well this weekend. Remember, it's all about fun and trying to have a good time. Leave all that old baggage behind, just this once.
And, if you keep insisting that OW is somehow physically between you I'm going to call the Ghostbusters on you!
