Forgiveness?????

[frank_D]

If you were anyone else, posting at a different point in your sitch, i.e. early on, I would tell you that you are making this affair all about you and that's a mistake. The longer you think of it as something he did TO you instead of something he did in SPITE of you, the harder it will be to forgive him, or even to move on without forgiving him...

Emily, GH has said it very clearly. It was the same with my W, I was SURE I had FORCED her to have an affair. My counselor spent a lot of time helping me to understand that, even if our relationship had been perfect she still would have done something like this eventually. She did NOT know who SHE was and how SHE fit into a marriage, the world and life in general.

Counselor said this is NOT unusual for men or women who marry young and have a lot of unfinished 'growing up' to do or wounds to heal.

And it wasn't about OM either. WHO he was in her mind was a complete invention of what she imagined she wanted. Just like OW in your H's affair is just that also - a fantasy.

I know that these feelings are things I am doing to myself.
I don't like that!

Soooooo STOP IT!

I cannot seem to let go of the PA . . . sure talking to him on the phone and acting like everything is fine is easy. That's REALLY simple for me. I don't have to think about the affair . . . because I don't have to look at him . . . there's not even an opportunity for a hug or kiss or cuddle moment to come up.

All you have to believe right now is that eventually, it will heal and you will feel better. When my W told me she wanted to try to repair the marriage I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with her right away. If you read my older threads, I thought she was a WHORE.

It has taken TIME. I still hurt, but we have been moving forward, making NEW memories. And I UNDERSTAND the WHY of it all.

I am MORE worried about him comparing us in different ways.

yeah yeah, with men it's "did he have a bigger xxxx?", "Was he a better lover?", whatever.

Never ask those questions and stop thinking them. As my counselor said to me "Well, whether he was or not, she's with YOU now isn't she? Not with him. He didn't have enough of what she really wanted to keep her interested, now did he? But YOU have it all"

I just keep thinking that maybe I'll never feel his touch again . . and maybe that wouldn't be so bad . . because then at least he couldn't compare us.

Geeze, get off this topic would you? If he's talking to you, thinking about you, trying to rebuild the relationship with you then he has ALREADY compared you with her and guess what - he thinks you're the better choice! Get a clue here would you?

ONCE AGAIN . . . I know these thoughts are in my head. But I would rather be given a good hard shaking by RB than start lying to you all like I try to everyone else

You can't lie to us. We know you too well....

He told me not worry we'd be fine. . he loved me . . etc.
So I didn't go into big detail with him about how I didn't want to get near him etc.

And don't get into it. Make NEW memories. You cannot change what happened and dwelling on it, living in the past, does not serve you. So, what will you do that will be fun when you see him? PLEASE don't tell me 'sit around and talk about how much he hurt me / the OW, etc..'

Will you PROMISE me that you won't bring up anything negative AT ALL? If you THINK negative thoughts you'll excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or something, splash water on your face or do whatever to move your mind back to THE PRESENT?

Nobody wants to feel bad. He's coming to see you so he can feel GOOD. Take it when you can get it!

Know any good jokes? Like to go for a hike together with the kids? Favorite tv shows? What?

What keeps going through my head, "How could I ever be with him in a loving manner after he has been with someone else."

And your answer is? Well?

Here, let me help you. "I could be with him in a loving manner by appreciating who I am and who he is, and looking towards the future we will have together as parents and lovers". Does that help? Now YOU tell me your answer to the question.

after all the whole time the PA was going on he and I were still together. And frankly it makes me feel FILTHY!!!

Understood. I remember how bad I felt thinking I might 'catch something' from her after we started to be intimate again. I even asked her if I should be concerned - and told her how I never thought I would ever be asking my wife such a question. It hurt.

But It passes. It will pass faster if you let it go.

You also asked if you should end your relationship with H right now. Absolutely not. It is part of your life, and your childrens lives. He is open to working on his life, as are you. If you truly do the work for yourself, you'll also be setting a good example to him on how to deal with childhood issues. It can only bring you two closer. Then you'll be REALLY able to support him, and he you.

You're doing it! Keep it up!

Oh, what time zone or state are you in? Just curious.