Forgiveness?????

[grasshopper]

I'm worried that things will be VERY tense between us.

Ok, well you play a part in that. If you decide that you will "detach" from HIS tension and just be yourself, you can ease the situation. Tension is cause in your sitch because there is either an overt knowledge or subconscious knowledge by both of you that you each want something different. Well, that may or may not be true. What I think you BOTH want on some level, is to have a more normalized relationship. I think you both would feel better, or at least YOU would, if things were less tense and more easy with him, right? Well, maybe look at what part of the tension you bring to the table and think about ways to erase it, starting with...

Honestly I'm worried that I'll look at him and see the OW.

If you know this is a possibility, that you will be unable to not think of OW when you see him, then you have taken the first step to detaching from that trigger. You have identified one thing that causes YOU tension and is a trigger for negative emotions and thoughts. When we identify these things, especially when we are heading into a situation where we are almost certain they will occur, then it is a little easier to manage our REACTION to that trigger.

Since you know you generally react to these thoughts, why not tell yourself that you WON'T react in the same way. Work on recognizing those contaminating thoughts and STOP your reaction to them. She is NOT going to be with him, and she is NOT going to be there in spirit either. YOU are bringing her there by way of your obsession. Let her stay behind this time and let this meeting be between you and H.

I've been focusing in on me more.

Good.

It also helps that he and I sort of cleared the air about her a little (I read somewhere it could have been here somewhere . . . that more couple survive infidelity if they can openly discuss the things that have happened.). I think he feels a little better to have some of it off his chest. I feel a little better having heard some of the "truth" about what happened.

A couple things. First, from what I know/have read, the "truth" only really helps if the LBS feels the need to know. Otherwise it can be a way the WAS tries to make themselves feel better because at least they "told the truth" now they can go back to being an a-hole. My W did this and openly admitted it. She couldn't hold it in anymore and felt much better after telling me. Of course I felt like crap but who cares.

Second, he told you what he wanted you to know. I sincerely doubt what you heard was 100% true, nor complete. I don't say that to make you angry or doubt him, just to point out that believing this kind of truth is akin to believing that he'll NEVER love you again. The "believe almost nothing that they say" line cuts both ways I'm afraid.

The important thing here is that he opened up to you and shared some things that were NOT safe to share with you. How did you react when he talked about these things? If he tries to do this again, just make sure you listen and validate as much as possible. No matter what, it's probably hard for him to open up like that and how you react can either encourage or discourage it in the future.

I guess that only time will tell how I'll feel about seeing him and whether or not our weekend will be tense or if we'll have a good time together.

Well, as I said, YOU have a lot to do with the kind of time YOU have this weekend. If you are determined to have a PMA and focused on the triggers you can identify (starting with the "seeing the OW" thing) and detaching from them, i.e. not reacting with your usual emotional state, then you can do a lot to ensure the kind of time you spend with him. You can't control him or make him have a good time, but you can try as hard as you can to be positive, upbeat and have fun yourself. That in itself would be a huge step towards standing up for yourself.

My question still stands: Do I need to break off our current relationship to work on myself. (Does it at least need to change somehow.)

No, not in my opinion, but then again, I have admittedly NOT done the leg work RB has done and don't know anything previous to or beyond this thread. I think you need to learn to stay in a difficult situation and remain self-sufficient and gain some self-esteem. I think it's natural for you to want to change things when the times get rough, and by changing, I mean give in to whatever direction seems like it will make things better overall, even if it makes things worse for you. You can be in this R and still make the changes we are suggesting. You can read the books, implement their suggestions and still have contact with H. He will see your changes and then, well, it's kinda up to him. There's something about leading a horse to water...

I am really glad to see you having a better attitude. I KNOW you want to do this and I wish you very well on the journey. Just because you may have a long way to go does not mean you can't slam your foot down on the accelerator and get their fast!

GH