Don't you dare walk away from this - this is your LIFE.
Yes, your life has had it's sh*tty times up till now. And you didn't deserve any of it. I think that most of us here, or our WAS's have had some form of crap in our lives.
Here's mine:
My mom was 17 when I was born. Way too young to be a mother. my dad was more into the bar scene back then than being a dad. His mother (my grandmother) hated my mother because she wasn't 'good enough'. Trailer trash.
She engineered their break up so when I was 5 years old they split, my dad went to live with his mom and she was also able to legally take me away from my mom.
My mom came to visit me for a few months a couple times a week. As I have come to understand it, my grandmother made it so unbearable that my mom slowly faded away, then she stopped coming. I never saw her again.
My grandmother had a stroke around then, so she was crippled and very angry after that. Right around then my dad married someone who had her own kids, and she treated me ok. That lasted about 3-4 years. That's the only time in my life that I look back on and can say it was 'ok'.
She ran off with a cousin, my dad flipped out and the family was split up. The other kids ended up in foster care for a while, then eventually with their mom. I ended up with my grandmother, the crippled angry person.
So from about the time I'm 10 till I was 17 I lived there. Let me give you some 'highlights' of that 'childhood'.
- I was supposed to always be there when my grandmother needed anything. I made meals, cleaned the house. The rest of the time I was supposed to SIT and SHUT UP. Usually I would read books all the time.
- She would invent 'bad things' I did so she had something to complain about. Maybe she told me to do something and I wasn't quick enough. Stuff like that. So when my dad came home she would bit*ch at him about me, and he in turn would yell at me. He would remind me that my mother was trash and I was going to be like her. He would tell me that I better do a better job because if my grandmother died, it would be MY fault.
- He wished I hadn't been born - I was just a burden to him.
- Whenever I was sick, and he had to buy medicine he would be mad at me because I was making him spend money.
- I didn't have any friends because I wasn't allowed to leave the house except to go to school.
- I took advanced math and science courses in school all the time. If I got a 'B' my dad would belittle me, call me stupid. FYI, a 'B' in and advanced course is like getting an A+ in a 'normal' course.
- I consistently tested with IQ's in the genius level. I could out-think anyone in my family. I could solve problems they were stuck on, creative ones, math, anything. Yet I stayed quiet because I knew if I spoke, even to be helpful, I would get hit or belittled.
- I could tell what my grandmother was thinking or needing by intuition. She spoke with a very slurred accent but I could understand her perfectly when nobody else could. Sometimes she would be trying to say something but my grandfather or whoever couldn't understand what she was trying to say - but I could. So I would say it to stop them from being frustrated. Instead of thanks, I got yelled at. But I did it anyway because I knew it was a good and helpful thing to do.
- I am the oldest 'grandson' and whenever the other cousins would come over she was all over them, gloating and loving and attentive to them. I was supposed to sit in the corner chair of the room and be quiet. My Aunts and Uncles basically didn't talk to me at all. Mostly because they were afraid to because she would glare at them.
- I used to say I was 'threatened to bed at night' and 'yelled awake in the morning'.
- Like I said, I'm a super genius. I loved science and when I was 12 I think 'santa' gave me a small cheap telescope for xmas. It looked real good sitting in the corner of the room for months because I wasn't allowed to use it. I wasn't allowed to go outside at night.
- M y dad got married when I was 16 and I had to go live with him and his new wife because my grandfather was worried that my grandmother couldn't 'take him any more'. The new wife was ok, but she didn't want kids and they went out a lot. So, when they went out my dad made me leave the house and basically I had to find somewhere to go until they got home.
- He wanted me to join the airforce and 'be a man'. I scored so high on the entrance exams (ASVAB) I could choose whataver career I wanted. I was 17. I never thought I could go to college because I believed I was too stupid. I really believed that. But I had one friend who believed in me. He made me fill out an app for an engineering school and send it in. Months later my dad handed me a letter that had come for me (he read all my mail). It was an acceptance into school. I was shocked. I just looked at him and said 'I can't go in the airforce'. I had no idea how I would pay for it but I had to try. I got some scholarships and that fall he took me there with pretty much everything I owned and dropped me off. Didn't stay around, just unloaded, said bye and left.
- That december I went home for xmas break. The day after I got home my grandmother died. Nobody bothered to call my dad's house and tell ME until later that afternoon. When I went to the funeral I cried and cried. I hated her and I couldn't understand why it hurt so much.
It wasn't hurt, it was guilt. I believed that 'if only' I had been there a day sooner, if only I had gone to see her I could have SAVED her. I would have recognized she was going to have another stroke because I was so smart. Everyone else was stupid and didn't see it coming. So, she died and it was my fault. How warped is that for a 17 year old?
- I went back to college and I never went home to my dad's again.
I screwed up a lot of relationships. I was needy, or arrogant. Whenever someone broke up with me I was a wreck - Old abandonment issues. I treated women like they were all weak, someone for me to 'take care of'. The needier they were the better it was for me. The strong ones I would be mean to until they were weak.
And on and on and on....
Luckily I didn't get married until I was 31. I say 'luckily' because I really needed to learn to be a whole person first. To take care of myself, to rely on myself.
But I still had all those old shadows on my soul and they just waited to pounce.... to take over my life whenever I was emotionally beaten up. And that's eventually how I ended up here - and ended up doing the REAL WORK to put those shadows and hurts where they belong - in the past and on the shoulder of those who wronged me.
I won't talk about my wifes life story right now, it's got its own tragedies, sexual abuse, drug and alcohol abuse. We got married when she was 21 and I was 31 - I was self sufficient and she was someone who I could take care of. I did love her and I was ready to settle down. She loved me too. However, she wasn't really a whole person yet, and it took years for us to reach this point where she had to grow as a person, and I had to heal. But first we had to hurt each other so we'd wake up.
And I haven't said anything about your husband but it's clear he has his own stuff to deal with too. Right now all I care about is YOU.
Quote: Emily Said:
I have been trying to fix or erase the pain that I felt as a child. From being adopted to having my "second" set of parents never truly love me.
When my mom looked at me and told me I was the biggest mistake of her life she should've never taken me. I guess maybe that totally broke my spirit. (I was 17 then.)
I can remember since 6th grade her telling me I was fat and so on and so forth.
When you say things like this, I FEEL it. I hurt with you. I cry with you. That little girl didn't deserve to be treated so poorly by people who didn't deserve HER. They are dark souls and they will have to pay for their sins someday. How sad for them that they could not allow themselves to love.
So, I know how you feel because I have lived this too. You are among friends who have walked in your shoes.
Quote: I have been trying to erase this stuff. REALLY I HAVE!!
Most people I can hide it from . . .most people never see how screwed up I am. BUT I guess Kevin I just can't hide it from. I'm too comfortable with him. I don't want to be uncomfortable with him.
You've only been out of the influence of your tormenters for a few years. No help, no direction from anyone who KNOWS how to heal what you've lived through. Be easier on yourself. You've just started your journey with your eyes open.
Read my threads, see what I've done to fix myself so I could be happy no matter what happened.
We're all here for you.
Emily, Let me tell you how I found your thread. I was actually looking around to see where AmyC's threads were, to catch up, and I saw she posted here. I only read HER post but something got me to read more of yours, and I could feel that you were a kindred spirit, that I could share something of my life and help you see that you are not alone.
And maybe you'll also see that there is one thing you can depend on - Hope. Have faith. In yourself, in God, in whatever gives you strength.
I am so envious of you. Your eyes are being opened while you are still a nice young 21 years old. I'm 47 and it took this long for me to really get it. So much time wasted.
And so much good ahead!
So will you let us be your friends? Will you trust us knowing that between the bunch of us we're sort of a 'debating club' - not only will we 'call you out' on stuff but we won't always agree with each other when we post and we will challenge each other's ideas at times. That's the great thing about this board. There are a lot of people in various stages of their process for you to learn from, and for you to HELP US learn from YOU.
You made it this far, you didn't run away after RBinBR told it as he saw it.
Come on, go for it! One thing I do know is the more you fix yourself, the happier you are, and the happier you are the more men, like your husband for example, will find you to be an irresistable person to be with.
You are here for a reason. Nothing happens by chance and I don't believe in luck. You are here FOR A REASON.
