Quote: I hope you can see that I didn't spend over 10 hours on your sitch to try to hurt you -- it's because I see so many wonderful things in your life that would really blossom if you can address a few issues.
No I know you didn't! I really REALLY appreciate ALL the time I'm sure it took for you to go the WHOLE way back and read EVERYTHING! I honestly do appreciate all of your honest open advice.
Quote: Emily, go back and read the third post of mine about your H. Of course I never said that it was all your fault -- I discussed his issues at length and tried to help you understand them in a way you might not have previously viewed them. He's responsible for his actions, and his actions have been absolutely horrible.
I did go back and reread that very post right now . . .
I see that you went through his issues as well.
They all ended up basically being the way he was raise AND then of course the fact that although I wasn't aware that I ever even felt that way . . I looked down on him throught our M.
I really did always feel that I supported him . . or at least tried to support him even when things didn't go according to plan.
I realize that although I tried to support him while things were going on. When something didn't work out I did tend to throw it in his face later during a fight or when things were particularly tense between us.
Quote: AmyC has prodded you several times previously about how you are going to change yourself, and you've ignored her. That's why I was afraid that you would dismiss this. It is to your credit that, in your most recent post, you express that you ARE willing to work on your issues.
I never ment to ignore the question. I understood/understand that I need to work on me. That's what the whole DBing idea is based on afterall right?!?!
BUT . . here's the thing . . .
I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought all of the things I was doing was leading to a change in me. I thought I was working on them.
I thought all of the things that I AM doing for myself . . .were me liberating and not needing him as much.
I mean if he died tonight (tragic yes) . . I could take care of myself. Afterall I pay ALL my own bills (with no financial help from him) . . . the apartment and everything is solely in my name.
I mean sure I don't have my license yet . . and haven't worked since he kicked me out in December . . but they are things that I am working on.
I would be VERY sad BUT . . I would survive.
I have been a "single" mother for 7 months . . . and I don't think I do too bad at it! My girls are healthy and happy!
Quote: It will take true courage to change, but you can. Do you want your H to change? What does it say if you will not?
The only thing that I want him to do is NOT break my heart by having another OW.
Everything else he's doing all by himself . . . because he wants to do it.
Again I don't feel that it's that I lack the courage or the want to change . . . it's that I lack the knowledge of how to change myself.
I don't know how to fix the anger and the hurt that I have carried around with me for so long (this is stuff that was most definately wrong with me before he and I EVER met.)
I am not going to fly off the handle with him tonight . . .
I just don't want to continue on if it's going to hurt him more.
