I keep trying to think of something great to say! I keep coming up totally dry.
I understand perfectly well that I contributed to the rapid decline of our marriage by being too needy and allowing my total self worth to rest on him (who isn't stable in his own self worth). That I understand.
But I never realized that I was hurting him in these other ways. The answer to the question of whether or not I really want to be married to this man, the question of whether or not I love him. The one that I was suppose to just say yes because that comes naturally. The answer is: YES!!! YES . . . I LOVE HIM soooooo much! I truly love him. I wouldn't have ever come here and tried . . if I didn't. Sure I get frustraighted and mad and think I want him to suffer . . . BUT I still LOVE him.
However . . . I am not trying to run away . . or take what was said as a personal attack. BUT . . . now that I see what I have blind to. . . . I don't know how I could allow myself to drag him down further AND go through this again.
I have been trying to fix or erase the pain that I felt as a child. From being adopted to having my "second" set of parents never truly love me. When my mom looked at me and told me I was the biggest mistake of her life she should've never taken me. I guess maybe that totally broke my spirit. (I was 17 then.) I can remember since 6th grade her telling me I was fat and so on and so forth.
I have been trying to erase this stuff. REALLY I HAVE!! Most people I can hide it from . . .most people never see how screwed up I am. BUT I guess Kevin I just can't hide it from. I'm too comfortable with him. I don't want to be uncomfortable with him.
We talked for HOURS this morning. . . . it was so wonderful. He was the sweetest person. He kept complimenting me. We did a little more heart to hearting about the R. He said that if I could just keep a little trust in him he would prove to me that he is on stable round now and he's not going run anymore. He said that he REALLY loves me. . etc. BUT . . . I guess it was never about him was it? It's about me . . .
It's not that I am unwilling to try and change . . it's that I simply can't figure out how. I thought I was doing the things that needed to be done . . if I'm not than I am TOTALLY lost . . . and I don't know what the hell to do.
I just don't want to repeat this cycle because I can't get my $hit straightened out! I just never saw how much of it was my fault. At least if I let him go now . . . it won't hurt either of us as much as it will in 6 months or a year . . . after we've been trying and it's still not working. . . .
I do LOVE him . . I love him enough to let go now.
