Now that I am a little less shaken. . . I just thought I'd try to comment on a few of the topics brought up here!
Concerning my MIL . . . I have talked to her since the split. Once just a week before Kiya was born. It was a pleasant half hour convo. I certainly don't hate her. I was just very upset at how I felt she stepped into a R that wasn't her business. She was so angry and "hated" me because my H was telling her I was accusing him of the EA . . when he was the one telling me it was going on. So she and I never saw eye to eye about that whole sitch. I would love for her to see her new granddaughter . . but they aren't interested. Oh well I guess.
My parents and I don't EVER see eye to eye. NEVER have. I certainly don't NOT love them . . . I just don't like the way they live or the things they do. I appreciate EVERYTHING they do for me. I just don't like that I am never good enough for them. Never have been. I don't like that my mother will look at me and tell me that I don't mother my children right and then step in and do it a different way so that my daughter behaves poorly for me. She's two and doesn't understand having different rules yet.
As for my H . . . I never saw that I treated him poorly. I always tried to stand behind him. I never told him that I was unhappy about the way things were. . . even when were living as "nomads" much like he did his whole life. I kept my mouth shut. I've always tried to support him in whatever he wanted do. It got harder when we had Felina . . because there were diapers to buy and a baby that needed food . . so he really needed a steady job. I never had my mind set on changing him . . . I had very much hoped that maybe his "drifter" attitude would change and he would want to "settle down". . . . but I've certainly always loved him for the person that I see inside. He's a truly lovely person . . .he just wears a lot of hurt and hate on the outside, but I see what's in his heart.
I thought that I always at least tried to do right by him. I never saw all the ways I was hurting him and holding him back. You're very right he does deserve better . . .and I'll tell him so.
I don't stand up for myself EVER . . . maybe that's the way I was raised. No . . . not maybe. That is the way I was raised. I wasn't allowed to stand up for the way I felt. I wasn't allowed to have an outward emotion about ANYTHING. I can't change that. I don't know how to stand up now . . . when I've always had to cram my emotions down. I don't think books will help . . . I don't take advice very well I guess.
That's all I really have to say. I never realized that I was one holding him back. Now he has a career for himself and he is feeling better about himself . . . I'll cut him loose before I screw him up anymore. THANKS
