Go out and get the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. The book was key for me to understanding my emotions, why I felt the way I did, and outlines a plan for restoring trust with specific behaviors.
I also read an article once that talked about a guaranteed way to let go of your anger. It said that your W must apologize to you with true remorse, tears in the eyes, "I'm sorry, so sorry". She must then listen as you rant through your feelings of anger: How could you expose me to the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases, how could you with him--the two people I trusted most in the world, and on and on until you get out every possible emotion. The article stated that this will clear the emotional plate: you will not have held anything in, she will understand the depth of your pain, neither of you are martyrs.
If she wants to work things out, that is wonderful for you. I'm sorry you had to get to this point for it to happen, but you've been given the chance to work on your marriage. Many on these boards would kill to be given the chance--myself included.
The betrayal is difficult to get past, I understand that. Keep asking yourself, what could your W do that would help to ease this pain? Then let your W know what you come up with. If she chooses to do those things, then you should not punish her by holding the affair against her forever.
Also, ask your W what lead to the affair. What would SHE change about your marriage to make it a better union.
