Forgiveness?????

[RBinBR]

6. Your H

Emily, your H clearly has some major issues. Let's look at some of them:

His parents NEVER stay in one place for more than 6 months, they're like nomads.

We were staying with them another time and long story short his parents are drunks (they have to get drunk everynight) and one night while they were drunk my H's father (who has a REALLY bad temper) picked a fight with my H and wanted to fist fight with him, told my H he was a piece of [censored] and a pussy, etc etc etc. Told him he'd never amount to anything and told him to get the F out of his house. So my H and I packed up and moved into an apartment above my grandparents. Anyway . . the day he kicked me out he said, "I should have never listened to you and left my parents house the last time (meaning the time mentioned above)."

she makes me so livid. His parents love their kids one minute and hate them the next . . . we (he and I) went about 6 months with them calling him a worthless piece of $hit . . that's right his own mother and father …She's a liar and she's fake and he knows it . . he'll tell you it . . but then when she's all sugar to him he forgets.

Your H's parents have never given him the loving, stable home that he needs. The fact that they raised him as nomads is going to make it difficult for him to stay put, as you already see. He clearly suffers from a lack of self-esteem.

I'm still worried about him spending so much time with his parents and I'm really worried about his drinking . . . is there any way for me to approach this without it seeming like I'm trying to run his life again???

Note that you recognize that he feels that you have tried to control his life.

Your H has sought to fill his lack of self-esteem through other relationships.

My H has always been a flirt.

He needs the admiration of other women to feel special and valued. That is why he had the EA and now the latest OW, who appears to be mostly about sex (sexual addiction is often tied to a lack of self-esteem ... not that he necessarily has an addiction). Let's also read what he wrote:

[H writes] In this chess game I call my life there has only ever been one person I can say I honestly love....and it is sad to say that I have done nothing but push her away lately. I dont know why, but I do know I dont do it on purpous. I have what some might call a complex, I dont like to let people get to close to me. "Show no love, love will get you killed." Possibly one of the most meaningfull quotes in movie history as far as Im concerned. Ive been this way as long as can remember no one is allowed in, Ive allways felt that if people get to close its just a matter of time before they use something against you....no one can be trusted with everything not even me Im sure, but I do my best … I personally think that there may never be any one that I can be with....that I feel like I can trust no matter what.

Because his parents never gave him unconditional love and constantly put him down, he is afraid of intimacy and runs from it. You don't help matters when you imply that you're better than him and you gave up your life for him and he isn't worthy of you.

He has a few good friends down there and always has stories about them. He talks about women that hit on him and how his friend (Zach) tells them off before he can even say anything most times. I think it's suppose to be funny and make me laugh . . and make me feel good but it doesn't it makes me worried about him cheating on me. I mean how should I know what he does down there!?!

Notice how he is using his insecurity to make himself feel better. Rubbing in your face the women who are attracted to him is something that he does to make you jealous and "see" what a catch he is, because he senses the way you have looked down on him and disparaged him, and because you married him with the intent to change him, because he wasn't good enough for you the way he was.

I didn't go to college because he already got us 30,000 into debt that we are not able to pay off

I'd like to know more about this, but it clearly shows someone unready for the responsibiltiy of adulthood.

With the other girls there's been in the past and all the lies he's told . . I don't know if I'll ever trust him again and I don't know if a R without trust can work. I don't think so . . and if I keep throwing it back in his face it definately won't work! I don't know what to do . . I just keep thinking about all the lies he's told and I never know what's the truth and what's a lie.

If I understand you correctly, he told a lot of lies before the A started. If so, then you can't blame the lying on the A.

I don't think he does love himself. I think he HATES himself and covers it up with a big ego and a bad attitude. His parents aren't great at showing compassion and certainly not love. . . . I don't know if anyone has loved him the way he "deserved" to be loved. I tried.

No, you only loved the person you wanted him to be. You nagged and looked down on him and told him in a hundred different ways that he wasn't good enough, his family was trash, etc. That isn't unconditional love.

Emily, you honestly need to ask yourself whether you want to be married to your H. I don't want you to reflexively answer that you do. If you do, it can't just be because you need someone to take care of you and your kids. Give it some serious consideration, because he is nowhere near ready to give you the kind of marriage that you want, and I don't think he will for a long time. In the meantime, if you do decide that you want a M with him, you're going to have to let him figure things out for himself instead of trying to change him. That's going to be very hard for him -- and for you.

When I talk to him I just try to tell him that even if he doesn't hear it where he's at "we" (Emily-2 told me to tell him she was proud of him) are proud of him and we think he's amazing and worthwhile. I just try to pay him compliments to bring up his morale.

I think this is very good and you need to continue it, whether you decide to stay married to him or not.