Forgiveness?????

[RBinBR]

Some things I meant to include in my last post:

He called this morning and we spent 30 minutes fighting. Because I don't know how to stand up for myself so I actually take it over onto him. I actually (without realizing it) tried to start a fight with him today just to get some of my anger out.

Anger sets me free . . . when I get mad enough at him to want him stripped of every good thing he has ever felt . . .

Anger does NOT set you free. It only feels that way because you normally keep it so tightly under control that it's such a release to let it out. If you let it out naturally in an appropriate way, you won't have to blow your top to feel good about yourself. It's because you do this:

I've bent over backwards to keep him happy (I cancelled the child support I've taken less money than is enough from him . . . I hold my tongue and take what I think is verbal abuse.)

3. Emotional Insecurity and Neediness

The hardest most awful part is how much I need him.

I may find help in the book about this, but I was just thinking and my H and I still say ILY back and forth (he restarted it.) I enjoy hearing it and it makes me feel good. Part of the problem that we had in our relationship was that he felt I said it TOO MUCH and I thought he said it TOO LITTLE. He feels that if he says it once or twice I should just know that he loves me and he'll tell me if things change. But I feel that it can't hurt anything for it to get said once a day <--Like when he's leaving for work I like a hug/kiss/ILY. Am I wrong??

I don't want him to hate me . . . that more than anything . . . I want him to at least remember some of our goodtimes . . . not just go through the rest of his life saying that I am a psycho biatch!

I just keep wondering what I did to drive him away from me and into her arms.

why is that when he wants to come back . . . I remorph . . COMPLETELY 360 and end up a sniveling shaking little can't do it by myself again.

I think you have partially answered your own question. It's a vicious cycle. Your insecurity is unattractive, and then your neediness pushes him away, which makes you need him even more. Sniveling is not sexy.

Why ladies do I feel like I need this creature (he's certainly not a man) to validate me. Why is it that I think he'll fix everything?

Emily, your posts are dominated by an obsession of whether or not your H said ILY that day ... and how he said it ... and if it sounded like he really meant it. You have to develop the self-worth so that you don't find your esteem in being liked by others. You ARE a wonderful and valuable person, and that does not depend on whether or not your H tells you ILY!!!!

He did say I love you once or twice (once because I asked him to say it one more time.)

When I asked him why he kept saying ILY and such he told me it was because it kept me happy.

Now he just says I can't make him feel something he doesn't, which I understand . . . but I don't understand how one day you can say ILY and the next day say you haven't felt it in a long time.

Look at how you answered your own question earlier in your sitch. Your neediness has meant that your H resorted to a formula ... which in turn made you feel that he didn't mean it, which only made you doubt his love even more!

Think about how you have used this forum. Part of the reason you come here is that you need the validation that you are a good person. You consistently cry for that and you have now posted in 4 different forums (Newcomers, Piecing, Separated, and Infidelity) to get that. This leads into:

4. Faith

Emily, the only one who is ever going to love you completely and perfectly is Jesus Christ. The Bible says that His love is sufficient. He loves you unconditionally and totally. He thought enough of you to give his life for you.

Start depending on Him. Start casting all your cares on Him. Pray out your frustrations and hurts ... He'll listen, and He cares. You are His child. If you trust Him, the Bible tells us that you can do all things through Him. The Bible tells you to be strong and courageous.

Don't try to make your earthly relationships a substitute for your relationship with Christ. Start casting your cares on Him, and start believing that you are loved and cherished. This leads to:

5. Forgiveness

I need a good lesson in forgiveness.
I hold too much stuff for too long anyway. . . . I HAVE TO LET GO OF THIS OR IT WILL RUIN US. I honestly have to change myself so that I can forgive or I will run us right down in flames.

Where does forgiveness start?

Forgiveness starts with compassion and caring. You have to learn to truly love others, even when they are not loving to you. Jesus told us to love our enemies. Let's look at some things you posted:

(goal)2. HONESTLY think of Cassie as DIRT . . . If he does want her I can't stop him (but you can go through this heartache with him or without him . . which is better? WITH) Keep telling myself that him sleeping with her doesn't make me good enough to be loved.
**I have a HUGE problem actually seeing myself doing this one . . . any tips on letting go of a PA???? I am scared that I'll store it in my heart for ever and it will rot and poison my every thought of him . . . it is already starting too!!

It's like I told him though . . . if it would have just been some chick I think it would have been easier.
Her I know and have known. . . her I HATE.

You've actually made it your goal to do the exact opposite of what you should do.

You are very concerned with forgiving your H so that you can have a normal R with him. That's important, but I'm just as concerned with your abiltiy to forgive the OW, your MIL, your parents for the way you were raised, etc.

I HATE that he is still all buddy buddy with his mother.

Controlling, because you feel that his love for his mother might make him love you less, but again expressing the unforgiveness you feel.

Try loving your MIL. Try loving your SIL (whom you call a "psycho"). Try loving your parents unconditionally.

Finally, try to make a decisionn whether or not you want a good marriage or if you want your H to suffer, because that's really what it comes down to, and I can't tell from reading your posts which is more important to you.

Jesus said that unless you forgive others their sins, He won't forgive yours. Tough ... but essential.

The biggest key to this is escaping the victim mentality. Everything I read from you is avoiding responsibility for your own life. Take this:

When I married him I sold my future . . it seems. now I have two kids no formal education . . and H that would rather live with his mommy and hang out with his friends . . and be a weekend father. It pi$$es me off that it comes across as me being needy because I gave him my whole life and did the things he wanted . . and now that's he's "knocked" me up twice . . I expect him to be here being a MAN . . a god d@mned MAN . . . that's all I want . . . but I'm being needy . . because I'm 7 months pregnant . . with a 19 month old . . and I expect him to support me a little. I thought he'd always be there . . he promised . . and now what? He's child living with his mommy and running around like he's 17 . . . and I let him make me feel bad because I stole his life . . . he had no future. I graduated with the 93% GPA . . I could have went to college . . I could have a life . . but I don't and why? BECAUSE HE'S A PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MAN. and I had to the one to think I could make him better and I thought we could have a good life.

I'm going to start with the fact that you see yourself as superior to your H and married him to change him and "make him better" .... BAD, BAD idea. You need to start by loving him the way he is and stop trying to change him.

His family is nothing but liars and crazy people, I was his shot at a normal healthy life. He is such a great guy when you pull him away from them.

Again, YOU were going to save him from his family and he couldn't have a normal life without you. How presumptuous! For you to have any chance at a good marriage, you are going to have to respect him and his ability to make choices.

I'll get to your H in my next and final post.