Remember that Forgiveness and Acceptance are very important in MLC. Acceptance of what your husband is, Forgiveness for what he has done, and although the damage at times will seem unforgiveable, you can do it.
He appears to have exited the tunnel, and has gone through OW withdrawal, which was normal, because he HAD to have time to get her out of his head and heart, and since the affair was 2 1/2 years long, it was taking him awhile, which was why he thought of her sometimes; Rachel that WILL pass, and she is not worth even YOUR thoughts.
You know what need she was meeting, which was Admiration/Appreciation, so MEET that need and keep meeting it.
Be patient with your husband, he still has a way to go, and he must face his issues before he can come out. Be there for him and LISTEN to him, validating his feelings, because right or wrong these ARE his feelings, and he has a right to them, just as YOU have a right to yours.
In the meantime, you know to take your focus off him and keep it on you, working on yourself to improve the areas of your life that need improving.
This is a time of growth for both of you.
The type of love that should come about this second time around should be more of a lasting love, but it takes more work to get there.
If you are both willing to work at it, and be friends in a way you never were before, it will last this second time around, and a new marriage will come out of the ashes of the old one.
Love is actually a choice, not necessarily a feeling. You CHOOSE to love, it doesn't just happen. You must draw boundaries you never had before and decide what you will and won't accept. Still, you must accept your husband AS HE IS, NOT what you would want him to be.
You are giving him a second chance, learning that what happened in your marriage before just won't do anymore.
You will see changes in him as time goes on, and they should continue to be GOOD changes, as he will come to realize what he nearly lost, and appreciate you that much more.
In essence BOTH of you will grow up and be what God has meant for you to be.
Pray for yourself AND your husband, asking the Lord to work within both of you, changing the two so you can truly become ONE flesh. The Lord will grant what you ask, but you MUST ask.
There may still be times in this that he will withdraw from you, and you will be confused, but be patient, understanding and caring, because the emotional pain is deep for him.
Rachel, remember one other thing: He is with YOU, not OW, and the tables could have so easily gone the other way, and he still loves you or he wouldn't be there with you. Admire him for his bravery to come back and work on the marriage; because he COULD have run hard the other way, and you would have possibly lost him forever, as it is harder to stay and work it out than it is to start over.
"The man who chooses his path LIVES his path." That is so very true when it comes to MLC, the emotional damage is extensive, and while the marriage will bear scars, the willingness your husband is showing to stay and work it out, will strengthen it in the end. And the man that finishes MLC has truly LEARNED to love for the first time in his life.
My husband is showing signs more and more of being more peaceful within himself, and while he's not "out" yet, I know he will be out soon.
I think the signs of peace are the ones to look for as he begins to make his way out of Acceptance and back into "real life" where he will then have the necessary tools he needs to finish living out his life. Until he learns to forgive himself, it will still be hard for both of you. He knows what he has done and what he must do, but guilt is eating him alive, and he must work through that, and you will be called upon to be patient and understanding of him.
Reaching the end of this will be up to your husband--he can make this longer or he can make this shorter, but the answers still come from within himself-I believe he will get there, in time.
