Mattie-I am so glad to hear your H is almost at the end of his journey. It's a long, hard road to take becasue we go with them in our own way. It's painful to watch the different stages they go through. I wanted to ask you about my sitch and your opinion of it. My threads is "together again"
To sum it up my H was acting very withdrwan from me and distant, and he would get angry at me over nothing so I was careful what I said or else I would blow up back at him. I knew nothing of MLC. Then one night we had a huge fight and he left. Our S was out of town so I was glad he was not here. He moved into a rental house and was there for 6 months during which time we saw each other, were intimant quite a few times, but I couldn't get him to come home. He kept blaming our sitch on me. I had asked him a couple of times while he was still home if he was having an affair. He denied it. I did most of the initating while he was gone. He would tell me he loved me if I told him first. He was all over the place with is emotions. AT first he was very depressed, then angry and I did not have a clue what was going on. I read Michele's books and started working on the things I should be doing with a man in midlife. I tried to talk to him and everytime he would say he did not want to come home because nothing had changed. I could tell he was torn though. I knew he still loved me. FInally one night when we were having an very emotioanal discussion he FINALLY agreed to go to C.
I made the appt the next day and 2 sessios into it I dicovered he had been having an affair for 2 1/2 yrs! I was so angry, hurt and devastated. He called me on my cell phone crying and opologizing, and sayign he didn't know how he let it get to that-that it never should have happened. He opologized to every one of our kids and to our friends. He totally broke it off with the OW telling her we were in C. to work on our M.
HE promised in C. that if he ever saw her or she tried to contat him he would tell me. He promised no more lies. He did go to her house to pick up his electric saw, which she had called him about. He told me in C. about it and that she got very angry at him and told him to never call her,etc.
He drove down to Fl. While My S and D and grandson were on spring break just to surprise us for our S 16th birthday party. He was prepared to stay somewhere else because he did not know How I would react. I forgot to tell you the day we left for the trip he came by the house and we cried and held each other because we had never taken a trip without each other before. It was very touching and painful. HE gave me money. Anyway we were together the whole time down there and when we came back he moved back in. He was reluctant at first, afriad that I had not changed. I had been severly depressed and sexually shut down for yrs on and off. I had chaged DR.'s was on new medication that did not shut me down sexually and determined NEVER to take him for granted again. IT was hard at first. There was not trust for me there, I was asking him a coule times a week if he had had any contact witht he OW. He was patient with me and always told me to ask him rather that let myself get worked up about it because No, there had been no contact nor would there be. He also promised not to answer his cell if he saw it was her calling. She has never called him to this day. He had said he did not think she would. She was very angry-I asked him if it was because she though she had a future with him and he said he NEVER siad anythng about Marriage to her at all. THey had been friends before the A, but that was all. I knew her but not well. She has three children, a grandchild that is like her own and her Mother living with her! We talked in C how all this came about and he was still very remorseful, but we talked about how he felt hopeless and that he did not feel loved or wanted. He told me he never stopped lovoing me and she would ask him if he still loved me and he would tell her yes. He also said he had loved her but in a different way. She was there for him-to meet his needs and make him feel wanted and it was hard for him to hurt her but he knew what he had to do. SO, we were separated for 6 months-he had been in an affair over 2 yrs before he moved out and now he has been back for 5 months.We have been married fro almost 30 yrs. I am 46 and he is 48. We were maried very young but have always been very much in love. I had a break down 11 yrs aog becasue of all my undealt with baggage and got in voled with a man briefly at that time. My H was DEVASTATED> I broke it off after only a month and he died of an overdose the next day., Very hard. I have to say the anger is gone for My H. now. I have had a real hard time trusting, but its coming back because of his actions. He lets me know what he's doing-we spend almost all our free time togehter. We talk now-we had almost stopped talking because it always led to a fight. I got mad at him one time because I asked if he ever thought about her and he said sometimes. I never let him finish what he was going to say I just blew up and was so hurt. In C. we finished the conversation.
He said he felt bad about hurting her since she was there for him, but he felt worse about hurting me. The C. said that he would have to work through those fellings and he said he has no desire to be with her or the crazy life of all her kids. What he had with her is what he wanted with me he said. Anyway, we are togehter. I am on medical leave from work. I suffered major panic/anxiety attackes all through the searation and even when he came home. I think it was the lack of trust plus his leaving me trigged such abondonement issues for me. My Mother died when I was 3, my stepmother was verbally and physically abusive, my Fathere was an alcoholic and I was sexually molested by my older step brother.I am taking this time off to work on me and get it all out-all the pain tht is inside me-dealing with the Little Rachael is hard. My H is supportive of me doing this. He knows we will hav a better realtionship if I work on me. He continues to assure me there is no contact with the OW, but I don't ask much anymore. We are working in therapy on affirmations towards each other, and on communication. We have the most wonderful therapist! My feelings are he is out of MLC. ALL the ways he treated me when he was in the A and while we were separated are gone. He is back and tells me he loves me and we are getting along better now than we ever have. I still get fearful that she may contact him and have to fight back the demons of doubt and not trusting him. I have asked God if he is not truthful in any way for it to be made known to me. The tensness is gone from when he first came home and we did not know how it would be. He has always been a very sexual man and he had a little difficulty in that area, but not much, and it is gone now. He said he was feeling he had to perform and that he was afraid he would let me down. I told him I had no expectations and that he could inititate when and if he felt like it. It took the pressure off and now he wants me to initiate as well as himself. One bad thing in all this is he started smoking before he came home and has not quit. Everyone has told me to just let it go-he'll quit when he's ready. So, that's pretty much my story although if you read my thread you'll see how I go through periods of severe mistrust. Its not because of anything he's doing -its the betrayal of the affair and my own insecurities coming up over and over. They are getting better finally. I am learning what to say to myself when it happens. OR I can call him and just ask him and he reassures me. DO you think he's over the MLC? What are your thoughts on our situation-Lily told me along time ago to hook up with you-that we had alot in common. Please let me know what you think-thank-you and I'm so glad things are so positive for you!! Rachael M.

Rachael