And I will say your husband is in the grip of a life-shattering MidLife Crisis.
I'm not sure how much you know about me, but I have a gift of insight concerning the MLC situations, and can tell you where your husband is within his crisis.
I read your entire post from start to finish and am glad I did.
When he dropped the bomb the first time, he was in the stage of "Replay"--when he broke off with OW, he started suffering withdrawal from the OW, but this other type of affair was going on, and he was consumed with guilt because although he KNEW what he was doing to you, he didn't feel he had a choice, affairs are an addiction and commonly called "dead-end" roads the MLC'er takes in order to dull the emotional pain they are going through.
Since he was withdrawing from the 1st OW, he was easy prey to fall into another type of affair-the EA. He was weak, simple as that. When he was found out the SECOND time, it shocked him into the realization he COULD lose you, and he didn't want that. Before, he was taking you for granted--he just THOUGHT you'd always be there. But he's found out differently.
Honey, understand it was NOTHING you did to "push" him into it, something changed within HIM, and the only responsibility you carry is your part relating to the breakdown of the marriage-you are NOT responsible for his actions-only for your own.
You've got to understand the OW was a symptom, and NOT the whole problem-he was looking for admiration/appreciation. Instead of opening his mouth and voicing that need, he sought it else where, which was WRONG, but the MLC'er's confusion is so deep they are driven to do things they otherwise would not do if they were "normal".
They actually, while deep within the tunnel become the opposite of what they were pre-tunnel. And what he said about not loving you was true from HIS point of view. Doesn't seem right, but I've been there on the receiving end of that one. It is VERY possible to fall out of love at Midlife--in order to fall back into love, it will take MORE work than it did when you two were younger.
What you are dealing with right now is a husband who is still in the tunnel at this point in time, and he is suffering from OW withdrawal as we speak. Also, don't worry about his failure to perform sexually-I would also say he is suffering from Male Menopause, and impotence is one of the symptoms-bet he's also having hot flashes, too. It seems that MLC and the male menopause go hand in hand and his hormones are all messed up right now.
They should rebalance as he comes on through, unless he's suffering from low testosterone levels or erectile dysfunction-but from your posts, I think guilt is working on him, too, and that can cause him not to be able to perform. Be patient with him, and don't get hurt at him. It's not his fault. This is normal for him and nothing to do with you.
Look for him to fall into a depression, and it will hurt you to watch him, but the only thing you will be able to do is be there when/if he needs you. Be kind to him. I know you are angry and I understand that. But the emotional pain he is feeling is very real and he doesn't understand why he feels the way he feels.
At least you know FOR SURE about both affairs. My husband had one and I still don't know the total truth yet-although ALL the physical and phone evidence was there. It has been 11 months and I still don't know the truth about it, althought I DO know for a fact it is over and has been over for 10 months. Fear keeps his mouth shut, although I've done everything in my power to make him feel safe. I have had to accept it for now.
Anyway, he will most likely suffer depression AND OW withdrawal for awhile and the pull of the addiction will be with him for a time, and it is a hard battle for him. Because the answers come from HIM, and not you, it is important to be patient and understanding of him during this time.
When his OW withdrawal comes to an end, he will still be in a depression, but will attempt to exit the tunnel. If you can, don't put any pressure on him, or he will jump back in. One of the hardest parts of MLC is the exit from the tunnel. He will start to relax, feel and act more like himself and start trying to be happy. It is also during this time, you will observe him "splitting" into several personalities-he will literally disintegrate into several people.
You will observe "flashes" of your "old" husband, "new" husband, personalities you've never seen before, a 3 year old child, a 15 year old adolescent, and "bad" personalities as well as "good" personalities.
Just like in adolescence, he will be trying on different personas to see what he will keep, and what he will "throw away" and whatever you see, you must accept.
It is during this time he will face his final fears concerning death, his life, etc. He will "bottom out" once or twice and will go into the stage of Withdrawal and that's where he will literally shut himself away from you and his family for a time. Each stage has the seeds of the next within and are needed to go through fully in order to progress to the next stage.
When he breaks Withdrawal, that is usually the time he will recommit to the marriage, and start attempting to enter Acceptance, which is the last stage.
It is during that stage that he will accept himself, his life, his mate, etc.
You MUST give him space and the time he needs to complete his MLC so he can progress through the stages. He cannot be pressured into coming out before he is ready.
The dangers of falling back into "Replay" are lessened once he reaches the stage of Withdrawal.
In the meantime, if you haven't taken your journey to find your part in this, it's time you did so, now.
Why must you change? Because, for one thing although your husband has put the marriage asunder, YOU must look at YOUR part in the breakdown of the marriage, and change accordingly, because it is now time for you to "grow up" and become what you were meant to be.
Each one of us made mistakes in our marriages and each one of us have areas we need to improve in our lives. The lessons MUST be learned so that IF your marriage was to fail (life has NO guarantees) you won't take the SAME problems into another relationship, if it comes to that, or even if your marriage makes it you won't make the same mistakes once again, and once you make your changes, you will actually like what you become and won't want to go back to what you were. I know I don't like what I used to be, and really like what I've become.
It is the same as the DBing principles. I have to confess I didn't know Michelle's principles, but what I was taught while my husband was deep within the tunnel were the SAME things Michelle teaches her clients.
The changes are for YOU, not for your husband. If he accepts your changes that's fine, but if he doesn't, that should be fine, too. You have to shed the "old" you completely and make way for the "new" you, that will stand her ground no matter how hard your husband tests the waters.
A new marriage calls for new people, and believe me, if your husband lets his MLC mold and shape him, you'll get a "new" man in place of the "old."
He has no choice BUT to change, as his MLC calls for change within him. When YOU change and stick with it, HE will follow suit. I saw it myself and know it's true.
As hard as it is, TIME, PATIENCE and LOVE are called for to help him through. How long it will take, depends on him, because the answers come from him.
My husband has been going through his MLC for 2 years and 8 months. I was made aware something was seriously wrong in September 2001, and I have been hanging with it since then. My husband is now in the stage of Acceptance, and is very close to finishing; how close, I'm not sure, but the rollercoaster ride was a rough one.
No, it was not easy, and I wanted to throw in the towel many times, but I can say I made it on the strength of the Lord, and I use my experience and the wisdom and insight He has given me to help others through.
We are a young couple-he was 36 when it started; I was 32. We are now 39 and 35, and I'm glad this is nearly over with, and I have come to be glad for my circumstances, for the Lord is bringing us through with a better marriage in the making. The changes in my husband have been amazing, and to me, it was worth what I put up with to make it this far.
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