I think my H, the real one, the one I fell in love with and married is FINALLY back.

We continue to talk. He is much more open and at ease. He confided that a part of him still feels that sometime in the future I will leave him over all of this, but that he is willing to take that risk because he is finally "getting it" about how much I love him.

He is also able to tell me with much confidence now that he loves me and that he KNOWS in time he will love me with ALL of his heart. He needs to work through his issues, which he finally understands are HIS issues, with a C. He is willing to do this.

He told the kids that "mom and I are going to make it." I told him I liked the way he said it, cuz there was no negativativty in it. No, "We're going to try to work on things." He was emphatic, we are going to make it.

He confided that on our wedding day he didn't think we'd make it for the long haul. He never felt worthy of me -- not good enough. I won't go into all his reasoning right now, but that certainly answers a lot of my questions regarding "how could he do this to me." Our best friends pointed out to me that the women he was having relationships with had pretty sorid backgrounds, they could never have measured up to me -- my H felt that they were the type of women that he deserved.

Yes, he does have some serious issues to deal with. I think he is starting to get a small glimmer of the fact that he is worthy, more than worthy of having the love and devotion of not only his W, but friends and family. He's finally getting the idea that there must be something worthy enough about him that his W, family, friends would not abandon him in his time of need.

Quite the opposite. He's gotten love and support (with a healthy dose of scolding, of course), and the offer of help and guidence. He's quite literally stunned. He thought if people knew the "real" him, they would be disgusted. Just like me, the other people in H's life who know and love him know that that is NOT the real him. They are ready to stand by him and love him.

He says he feels the feelings he has/had for the EA will die quickly once they are no longer being fed by continued contact. He realizes and accepts them for what they were and that they had no basis, nothing tangible to have fostered such feelings. He says they are already going away. He promised me and the kids that he would have no contact with her whatsoever. If she contacts him, he will let me know. I just have to trust him on this.

I told him I have doubts/insecurities. I will need his help occasionally to put them to rest. We have been down this road before -- 10 months ago -- of promises and being assured there was nothing else I needed to know. You all know I've had my doubts about that. How many times had I mentioned that something wasn't right; why wasn't he acting like a man who wanted to save his M, etc.

But now I believe it's really over -- his crisis. We are not going to piece the old M back together. It is destroyed. It's in shambles. Right now we are in the process of clearing away the debris so we can start to rebuild a new R on the foundation of the old R. It was a good strong foundation of friendship and love. It held us together through our "storm of the century."

By the way, I have gotten nothing but love and support from my friends and family. No ever told me to leave the bum, he's no good. They KNOW he is good. He just didn't know how to handle what he was going through. He made very bad choices. He will always have some consequences to live from as a result, but they pale in comparison to a life without all of these people who love him so much.

My mother (whom I haven't had the closest R with for a while now), told me she wouldn't give me any advice, but she would simply support me in any decision I made. She told me she admired me, was proud of me, was in awe of the way I've handled with situation with such dignity and grace, love and compassion. She told me she didn't think she would have put up with what I have. She is proud of the person I've become. I cried as she was telling me these things. My mother's and my R will improve because of all this. Amazing how good things DO actually come out of bad. I feel the presence of God all around me. He wants all of my R's to be healed. He started with my most significant -- my M, and is moving on down the line. I can truely say now that I feel blessed.

My best friend, who I surely thought would rant and rave and tell me to throw the bum out, basically said the same as my mom -- I will support you in your decision, which is very personal an only you can make. She also told me how proud of me she was, and that she never had a clue of the pain I was going through. She understood why I couldn't tell her, but, of course, she wishes she could have helped her BF through the worst time of her life.

I am so, so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. I am so blessed to have found this BB. I feel that those of you who have been with me for a while here were guided her by God. You were the ones who had the most to offer me. You've all helped me through my darkest times. Someday, when all of our R's are healed and we are at peace I would love to meet you all. I would love to give each and every one of you a REAL hug and kiss.

We are leaving for a week's vacation this morning. We all need it so much. This week has been the ultimate emotional roller coaster for all of us. Monday we come home from a lovely weekend of waterskiing and sightseeing (bit of a glich there with seeing the xOW); Tuesday all hell broke loose and we were on the brink of divorce; Wednesday and Thursday much HONEST OR talk culminating in a true and honest (this time) desire to make OM work. We need to have some fun.

I'm going upstairs now to wake hubby up [Big Grin] . I post when I return.

I love you all.

Mattie