Well, we're getting ready to leave for vacation tomorrow. First, we'll take the boat to Bass Lake (near Yosemite), do some waterskiing and some hiking. I love Yosemite. One of my favorite places. We come back on Monday, throw a few things into the motorhome (have already been working to get it ready), and take off for Carlsbad Caverns (New Mexico) and a few other places. H and I love traveling in the motorhome -- kids do, too. That's what made the investment worth it -- so many wonderful family memories.
I've been keeping up on everyone's treads. Still just haven't felt like posting much. Firstly, because not too much has been happening around here to post; and, secondly, I just don't feel in a place to offer anyone else advice. I would like to try and post a few replys before I leave, however.
Things are still going pretty well at home, at least on the surface. In fact, if I didn't "know" all that I know, I'd think we were a strong, happy, in-love couple. Sometimes I forget that we're not!!
H continues to do small thoughtful things that make me feel loved. Example: the other day he went to buy oil for the motorhome and also bought me a flashing red reflector and a water bottle for my bicycle. It's those small gestures that let me know he's thinking about me and really warms my heart, ya know.
He asked me to buy him some socks when I was out the other day. I did, but I also bought some lavender to spray on his pillow to help him sleep at night (someone told him a few days before this might help, but he hadn't gotten it for himself). He was very pleased that I'd remembered he wanted to try it and went out of my way to get it for him.
We're both trying. Or, maybe I'm incorrect to use the term "trying." I feel it was just natural for him to think about what I needed for my safety and comfort on my bike, and the same for me with the lavender to help him sleep.
I've backed way off in the intimacy department -- for two reasons. First, I felt that perhaps I was putting too much pressure on H. He's trying to deal with his feelings of self-loathing and not deserving to be intimate with me. Consequently, things seem to be getting better for him in that area. Only once in the past 3 weeks or so has he not climaxed. Because things are improving for him in that area, his desire seems to be on the upturn again.
However, that brings me to the second reason I've backed off. MY desire for HIM is dwindling -- rapidly!! I feel a shift in my emotions. I feel like I just don't care anymore. Maybe I'm just burned out. All I know is that I feel kind of numb about everything to do with OR. Even thinking about the A stirs up very little emotion in me right now. Oh, there is still a small bit of anger at the disloyalty and the lies and deceit, but other than that I feel rather emotionless.
For that past year I've been experiencing more emotion than I've felt in my entire prior 48 years . I've never been so hurt, experienced so much pain, been so scared in my life. Feeling nothing right now feels good!! But I know this can't go on forever. I don't want it to go on forever. I want to feel loved by someone, and I want to feel love for someone. I want that "tingly" feeling back. It scares me to think those feels may not return for me towards my H. Right now my "true self", my very core being is telling me I will never experience true love with my H again because of his betrayal. This was what I was afraid of from the beginning. This is what I've fought against since the bomb dropped.
Pfroglady said in a reply above that "you know your H better than anyone." The scary thing is, that I obviously don't know him at all. That was a hard lesson to learn. I loved the person I thought he was. I'm not sure I can love the person he turned out to be.
With all that being said, I will forge on. Lily said in a reply to someone -- not sure where -- that she won't be the cause of the end of children's universe. That is the way I feel right now. They are my reason for continuing to work on OR right now. Last week #2 son said he might not go on vacation with us cuz he's taken so much time off work already for all his other excursions. That made me so sad. I told him (without thinking first!!) that this may be our last family trip and that he really needs to come with us. He asked me why. I said, well, you just never know where we'll be next year. He said, "Oh, mom, we'll always be a happy family." I've gotta keep trying to pick up the pieces of this mess for their sake.
Just some more random thoughts:
H always kisses me good-bye in the morning (I'm usually still in bed asleep). This morning I was awake when he kissed me and he asked if I was coming down. I said yes. I went down a few minutes later and he'd fixed my coffee and had it waiting on the kitchen counter. When he left for work he kissed me again (always on the lips). I gave him a full body hug to go along with the kiss.
H has been at work for 1/2 hour and has called me 3 times -- mostly just to update me on stock prices and give me suggestions of where to put my IRA money, but at least he's thinking about me, huh?
Everytime I go out the door he tells me to be careful on the road. I do the same for him.
He still makes comments that make me think that he thinks I wish him harm. Example: the other night he was hanging his bike up (puts it on hooks and raises it to ceiling of garage -- very high ceiling in garage), it swung loose and almost hit him. I didn't see it. H told me about it. I said, "Geeze, could've hit you in the head and killed you!!" H replied, "Just what you're hoping for, huh?" He makes comments like this all the time. Once he told me he lays in bed at night thinking he's gonna open his eyes and see me standing over him with a knife in my hand!! WTF!! Also, said in the past we'd (kids and me) would be better off if he were dead.
We tell each other all our problems and successes concerning work. I always ask about his day. He always asks about my day.
He continues to make his time and whereabouts accountable to me. I've told him it isn't necessary. However, something comes to mind -- a few months ago he was telling me that having to account for his time and me not trusting him (he acknowledged that this was all his own doing -- wasn't blaming me) made him feel like he was in prison. I told him at that point that I didn't NEED him to check in with me all the time; and that perhaps he could look at it as a loving, considerate thing to do instead of a punishment. Well, he continues to be accountable, so maybe he's trying to show me he does love me and wants me to feel safe and secure.
I realize this post is very disjointed and probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but that is exactly how I feel right now. On one hand it looks like I'm trying to look for proof of my h's love for me (cuz he can't say it right now), and on the other hand I'm expressing my lack of any emotion regarding my H right now. Well, that's not exactly true. I do feel a bond of friendship with H -- a bond of shared parenthood. Anything else, I just don't know right now. Perhaps as I said above, I'm at a stage of emotional burnout. Too much emotion in the last year. Perhaps I need to NOT feel anything in order to refresh myself in order to start feeling again. Here's a flash -- maybe that's exactly what my H is going through!! Emotional overload causing him to not feel anything. I think I might be on to something here. Maybe we both need a break from our emotions. Maybe we need to stop trying to force the issue and just "be".
Sorry this was so long. That will teach me to not post for a while!! I'll be checking in here the rest of the day then we're off for vacation. Please pray for us.
