HI, Pat.

I've haven't spent much time around the board lately, and when I am here I've mostly just been reading and trying to stay caught up on some people here. I go through periods where I'm just played out. I don't want to think about all this stuff. I want to forget I have a reason for being here. When I get in that mood I have nothing to offer, myself or others, so I simply don't post.

I was also riding the hormonal tidal wave the past few days and was feeling very negative. I wanted to wait until that passed before posting because I feel like people must think I'm nuts -- one minute I'm riding high, feeling positive, and the next I'm thinking that my H is right, I DO deserve better than him.

As far as H and I go, things are still pretty good. Had another "episode" of things not working right in the intimacy dept, and that kinda brought me down, too. The thing is, when that happens H still tries his darnest to make sure I'm "happy." Didn't work for me either, though. [Frown]
And, I just didn't feel like faking it for the sake of his feelings. At least this time I kept my mouth shut. I didn't try to analyze what was going on -- didn't ask him questions about what he was thinking about or anything. He appologized and I just kissed him and said good night.

If you knew my H you'd know why this affects me so much. He's always had a very strong libedo. For him to tell me now that his libedo is low is very difficult to get used to. I feel strongly that this stems from his guilt. He feels he doesn't have a right to be with me. He can't seem to get over that. I fear that if he can't get passed his feelings of guilt and humilation, we are doomed. This is just so stupid. HE can't forgive HIMSELF for what HE's done and THAT may be the cause of the demise of our M.

When I get on my hormonal rollercoaster I start plotting how I'm gonna "fix" him. Sounds like revenge, but I think of it as shaking some sense into him. The scenario goes like this: DB the hell out of him for the next 3 months (just like I've been doing). Make things so perfect he'll think he's living in paradise (been trying to do that, too). Never bring up the A or the OW again (haven't). Come Oct. 1 (1 yr anniversary of bomb), send him an e-mail at work telling him I need a few days away by myself to decide how I want to proceed. Tell him I've been thinking about how he said I'd be better off without him, and that I've come to realize he's probably right, etc., etc. And then actually leave for a couple of days!! Maybe leave him with the impression that there's somebody else in the picture.

I know. You don't have to tell me this is bad DB'ing -- not to mention very risky. But knowing my H as I do, I think he's gonna need a good shaking up to bring him home from his pity party. I've spent so much time since the bomb assuring him that I was gonna stick with him through thick and thin that I think it's given license to stay stuck in his self-pitying, "I'm such a bad guy," role. I think I need to bring out the territorial part of him -- the jealous part of him.

Does any of this make sense? Am I way off base here? Feel free to try to talk me out of this. I know this could backfire badly on me, but so far being the loving, forgiving, understanding little wifey has only seemed to rack my H with more guilt and shame.

All that being said, things go on fairly normally. We have 2 nieces and a nephew staying with us for a couple of days (H's sister's kids from Florida). So, that means 5 teenagers in the house (6 when you add my S's GF who is here all the time). Hectic, but their constant laughter is just what I need. Oh, to be young again without all this crap to deal with. H is coming home from work early today so we can take the kids to the lake on the boat waterskiing. We leave for vacation on the 26th. So, busy times.

I'll post again soon.

Mattie