I think all of us here on the BB have learned a great deal of how we contributed to the mess our M's are in. Well, here's a newsflash -- we're not perfect. We're human. We've made mistakes!! Whatever mistakes I've made in my M, I certainly did not deserve for my H to seek relief from his unhappiness in the arms of another. Thing is, he agrees! That's partially why he's so disgusted with himself still. He doesn't try to place any of the blame for his A on me; doesn't try to justify it. That's of little consolation to me.
Anyway, that's water under the bridge. Right now he questions whether he loves me and is committed to me. I know this stems for how he feels about what he's done; how much pain he's caused. That's his problem. I question my own love and committment sometimes. But, that's usually when I'm letting my hurt pride and bruised ego take over my more rationale thinking.
It's been 9.5 months since he dropped the bomb and told me about the A. He still makes sure I know what his schedule is, calls when he gets into the office (so that the called i.d. shows his office number), calls when he's leaving for lunch, when he returns from lunch, 2-3 other times during the day to just "check-in" with me, and always before he leaves the office to come home. I told him months ago he didn't need to do that anymore. I think he likes "proving" his trustworthiness to me. Would a man who didn't love his W and care about her feelings do this every day?
We are doing all the little things for each other again that we stopped doing long ago. We're both much more considerate of each other and both trying to be more affectionate. He still seems a little ackward around me at times; still can't look me in the eyes for more than a fleeting moment; still doesn't want the lights on when making love -- in the past he'd usually light a candle -- now doesn't want me to look at him during intimacy. That's probably my fault. In the beginning I'd tell him I was picturing him and OW together, and then would start crying my eyes out. Couldn't help it. Not gonna apologize. He put me through hell. But now I have to let him know that's not going to happen anymore. I'm okay -- and getting better and better.
So, in either case, whether he's being loving and affectionate because he does really love me or because he just doesn't want to hurt me anymore, I believe the outcome will be the same because when you act lovingly, you start to feel love. And, like Andy said, at least he WANTS to love me again. I think that's the key that opens the door. You have to want those feelings again.
I'm not sure any of this makes sense right now. I have a migraine and it's kind of hard to think. Sometimes I just need to put down random thoughts I'm having, especially because I don't want to bombard my H with all of this stuff.
