Your views on love and marriage mirror my own. I have always felt that in a long-term relationship love and passion wax and wane. Many times over the years I have not felt passion for my H and maybe that caused me to question my love for him, but I was mature enough to understand that given time and a little prodding those feelings would return. They always did.
I think a lot of people, perhaps my H included, feels that if desire and passion are missing that it must be because the love is gone. I think this is just a natural state of being with the same person year after year and dealing with the everyday ups and downs of life. Boredom!! And then when someone else comes along and makes them feel those intense feelings of passion we all felt at the beginning, it is mistaken for love. We all crave that feeling to return from time to time. The trick is to make it return with our SO's.
I agree that marriage is also a partnership. My H and I work pretty well as a team. We got sidetracked for a while, but we seem to be pulling together again. We've got a great friendship. We love doing things together. But, unfortunately, I think my H is one of those that thinks if he's not feeling those "tingly" feelings, he must not love me. He is also having a very hard time forgiving himself for the A. He can't fathom that I've forgiven him and still want him. He doesn't feel that he deserves to be loved. Basically, he hates himself for what he's done. I am a constant reminder to him of "what he is" because now I know "who" he really is. I've told him that I didn't believe that the person who betrayed me is the real him. He wouldn't be feeling such remorse and self-loathing if that were the real him. He has a hard time looking me in the eye. When I look at him he feels humilation and disgust for himself. He has said he's wanted to run from all the pain he's caused me and himself, but he knows he'll just carry it with him.
I guess with all those negative emotions it would be pretty hard to feel love. He's told me he questions himself almost daily about how he could have done such a thing if he really loved me. His only answer is that he must not love me. I don't think it's true, but I'm not about to argue with him about it.
Since he finally told me the truth about how he feels, I've felt at peace with the situation. All I ever really wanted was to know the truth. I feel exactly like you spoke of above: things are very good in so ways right now. I'm just going to enjoy my life and be as happy as I can. If this situation has taught me anything it's that nothing is a sure thing. I never in a million years would have thought my H and I would be in this situation. Life is very strange.
You're right, we absolutely don't know what tomorrow will bring. I've talked about this with my H before. We need to be kind with each other and let each other know how much we care in whatever way is comfortable for us. Like you, I'd hate for my future to not include my H, but I am a very strong person and I want to be happy -- so, I will.
Thank you so much for your insights on this. I have a new resolve to just love my H and kids unconditionally without a need for any ILY's in return. If the people in my life know they are loved, I can get happiness out of that.
