Well, here I am starting a new thread. My last one, "I'll think about it tomorrow," was way over the 100 mark.
The last time I posted, I mentioned that my H finally told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. I mentioned all the things that he does that says to me, Oh, yes, he does. However, I do wonder if he's doing those things out of guilt for how much pain he's caused me and the fact that he just can't stand hurting me anymore. I guess only he can answer that question. But the things he does and says seem to come so naturally. If I could block out the events of the last year, everything would seem so normal, except that he actually said he doesn't think he loves me anymore.
This past long holiday weekend we did so much together, and had a good time. Friday was H's birthday. We went for a long motorcycle ride through the mountains and had lunch at the beach (yes, the beach where OW lives). It seemed almost like my H was making a statement to me. He doesn't avoid that area because of her. We've shared many happy memories there. It seems like he wants to keep overlaying his and my bad memories with new good memories of the area.
That evening we barbequed steaks and shrimp. Just the two of us. Kids were all gone. I told him for his B'day we could do anything he wanted in the intimacy dept. Things were going nicely, but then he couldn't take it to completion. He was so embarassed. I told him I was, too. He couldn't understand that. Said it was his problem, not mine. Well, funny thing is his problem IS my problem, and visa versa. I explained to him how it makes me feel very undesireable when he has trouble like that. He tried to tell me how much he DOES desire me, but he feels he doesn't deserve to be intimate with me. Not sure if that's the problem or if there's a medical problem. All I know is that each time that happens it makes it more difficult the next time, which only makes him (and me sometimes) tend to want to avoid it. Boy, I sure never thought we'd have a problem like this. No matter what was happening in our lives, H never had a problem with intimacy. So, I wonder sometimes, is it a problem because he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't desire me. Or, is it because of his self-loathing; his feelings of how he doesn't deserve any of this?
At that point I told him that at times like this it would be nice if he could at least tell me he loved me. He did. He said, "I do love you." I told him that I hadn't meant to pressure him into saying those words, but just that it would make things a little easier if I knew at least he loved me. He said, "You're my W. You're the mother of my children. I want things to be good between us again."
I, of course, still struggle with my own feelings regarding my H. I feel the same as he does -- he's my H. He's my family. He's my friend. I know I love him for all those things. But the fact is, he has wounded me deeply and I'm just not sure if I can live with that, especially in light of the fact that he's now saying he doesn't love me. What a mess!!
The other night during the "I don't love you" conversation and trying to decide how we'd proceed, my H said, "don't be afraid to get angry with me." I thought that was an interesting thing to say. Last night I told him something disappeared off my home page on my computer. His reply was, "What did you do wrong?" This is the norm for him. Things don't just happen -- you did something wrong. That ticked me off and before I could stop myself I went off on him -- "I didn't do anything wrong. Turned on the computer this morning and it was gone. Why is it that everything has to be somebody else's mistake?, " etc. H smiled !! He actually smiled during my tirade. Then said, "Let's go take a look." He figured it out, then said, "you must have clicked on this tiny spot here." "I wouldn't go near that area. Those are my stock quotes. I have no reason to put the cursor there, " etc. Again, he smiled a rather satisfied smile. I thought that was rather curious. Maybe, like I said in my pprevious thread he's just looking for a little bit of normalcy -- wanting a little bit of the old me back.
So, anyway, the question is: is it love or is it guilt? His actions bespeak love and devotion. But I can't help wondering if it all stems from his guilt and his quest to cause me no more pain. Whatever the reasoning, hopefully if he keeps acting-as-if the love that I think is still there will break through all the negative feelings he has.
