Sorry folks, that was quite a spew. Never aired that stuff "in public" before, hope I never feel the need to again or that at least I find some other way to deal with it. In the movie, A Beautiful Mind, the character John Nash explains his hallucinations with "they are my past", and something like "everybody lives with a painful past". He learned to stop paying attention to them. That is exactly what I need to do also.
So, I am turning over a new leaf. There is no solution back there.
I am too dependent on my H but we are OK. He is not rejecting me for my dependence even though I could understand if he did. He is being pretty understanding. Do I need to change my dependent ways? Absolutely. I don't want to live this way whether he can handle it or not. I will get plenty of practice at not freaking out during job crunches.
He said he would be OK with a mid-nup if I thought it would be helpful. That idea is still not completely out of my head but new and more productive ideas, like the next steps to getting on with a more fulfilling life, are also taking hold. I will be taking some major action steps with those ideas tomorrow.
Sorry I was a party pooper. I will avoid that in the future.
