Its been a while since last update. Not really much is different from the last time I had posted and things in general have been very good between us. But I have made some more realizations which should enforce my continued efforts to a different person than I use to be.
My W still continues to struggle with her medical conditions. She decided to postpone more testing to diagnose the source of her nausea until Nov. 11th so she won't miss any work. Her decision ... and now she is living with the discomfort for another month, but I have detached and don't get caught in her suffering. This doesn't mean I don't sympathize. Before I would try to fix it by telling her she shouldn't be postponing her test. She never would listen, so I would get frustrated and the anger would set in. Now, I just let it go and let her do what she wants. Unfortunately, it now means she is missing out on some of the fun. Like last Monday, I ended up taking D9 alone to 4-H meeting.
I didn't realize up to now just how controlling I was in the past in trying to reduce her suffering and how much this was the source of my anger. Wednesday night, my W was up most of the night due to some pretty severe panic attacks like she hasn't had in several months. I mentioned that she call her doctor in the morning. When I came home from work, all I had ask was how she was feeling. She replied they had past and that she had only herself to blame because she had a bad day at work and came home to binge on some chocolate brownies. (She has known for years that chocolate cause this reaction.) She said she didn't mention it last night because she thought I would get mad. In a pleasant tone, I said why should I get mad ... after all it was her that ended up suffering the consequences of her action and then I dropped it.
But its true, in the past I would had gotten angry. I would had said something like, "You know better! Why would you do something so dumb?" in frustration of why wouldn't she want to prevent it from happening again. Now, I come to terms with the fact she will do what she wants and will reap the consequences. I will not interfere to try to fix it. Hence I have given up the control and therfore eliminated the source of my anger so the arguements no longer occur. Slowly, she is becoming less defensive and more open. The down side is she still needlessly causes more physical pain to herself. I, on the the other hand, am feeling much more at peace within myself. Still it would be nice to find a solution that would be better for the both of us.
