I guess that's what scares me so much. It is calm now and I keep waiting fro the dam to burst and things tp gp dpwn hill again. I live in that fear. I have control over how I act and DO NOT react to him,but I don't have control over him. That's the scary part. If I am what he wats me to be and I do as he says he wants me to do then I should be ok. HE has told me his needs. Iam tryig to meet them. I don;t know if I'm doing as good as he would like,but he ahs not left again and tells me he loves me. My worry is that he is still having contact with the OW although he says he's not. I HAVE to get over that fear-it rules me. HE has said she is not what he wants. He is suppose to be writing her a letter telling her to not contact him anymore, and that he loves me. HE will put it off. HE hates doing stuff like that. I will let the C hold him responsible for that. He said in C he would do it. I think we need to discuss what the letter might say in C so when I read it and it is too soft I will not get upset and tell him he has to be firmer. He'll get dicouraged if I do that. No, I'll let the C handle it. My job is just to love and respect him and appreciate him. Its like Andy said though-their needs are a moving target.Its hard to be what they need youto be all the itme but man I try! I have to get it together so he can see the Rachael he fellin love with and he still loves. I have to be strong. I have to get it together, period. I pray I can do it. I have alot of inner strenghth that is buried under all this crap. I need to pull from that. Thanks to you all for helping me and listening to me obsess. Better here than at him! Rachael
Well, it turns out the doctor wants to do some more tests to confirm if her nausea is caused by deaden nerves in her stomach due to her diabetes. She had already scheduled a test for Monday, but last night she realized she will need to reschedule.
As I mentioned, W has slipped into a funk for the last couple of days, stating the walls seem to be closing in. So I've been trying to keep some distance. This morning she seem more like her "new" self again ... when I dropped her off at work, I mentioned I've missed her the last couple of days, she replied she really would have liked if we could have slept in this morning.
Earlier, she mentioned she wants to do something fun this weekend. Specifically, wants to go to a farm and pick some pumpkins, do the corn maze, pickup some fall harvest decorations for the house on Saturday. According to the weather channel, we are suppose to have AM showers. So maybe, we could "sleep in" in the morning ... and go to the farm in the afternoon. Sunday, however, I definately have to tar around the vents on the roof.
Well the weekend came off pretty much as planned. W repeatedly mention how she was enjoying the day on Saturday. We all had fun. While at the farm, W decided she wanted to purchase some Mums to fill a couple of whisky barrels in our front yard that have been weed filled for the last year. When we got home I started pulling the weeds out and she came out shortly after, so I helped her with planting the barrels and did some more weeding around the yard as she put up the Halloween and Autumn decor. Its nice to see her take pride in the appearence of the house again.
Sunday, I worked on the roof, cleaned the gutters, mowed the lawn and other yard work in order to prepare for the winter. Not FUN! , but needs to be done. W stayed in bed most of day. She thinks it was the effects of a new prescription she started taking Saturday evening. Then I helped step-D move out of our place and in with new roommate. My W expresses relief that step-D is now out on her own again.
In the "dark phase", W & step-D (22) would spend most evenings together. It was explained to me that W invited her to stay with us so she wouldn't alone with me in the evenings back then (after our D8 would go to bed). Then planned to become roomates when W wanted to move out. Lately, step-D has been spending most days & nights of the week with her friends because she was no longer getting the same amount of attention from her mom.
When I got back, W mentioned how she had missed me today. I mentioned how the chores needed to be done. She said she knows but she's come to like us spending all of our entire weekends together.
So more signs that W is continuing to become more comfortable in M now ... and as far as that rollercoaster ... not only is there no one at the controls anymore, but the lights are being turned off in the amusement park.
P.S. Been tough trying to keep up on the BB at work lately and need to concentrate on job. But will try to check in from time to time.
Its been a while since last update. Not really much is different from the last time I had posted and things in general have been very good between us. But I have made some more realizations which should enforce my continued efforts to a different person than I use to be.
My W still continues to struggle with her medical conditions. She decided to postpone more testing to diagnose the source of her nausea until Nov. 11th so she won't miss any work. Her decision ... and now she is living with the discomfort for another month, but I have detached and don't get caught in her suffering. This doesn't mean I don't sympathize. Before I would try to fix it by telling her she shouldn't be postponing her test. She never would listen, so I would get frustrated and the anger would set in. Now, I just let it go and let her do what she wants. Unfortunately, it now means she is missing out on some of the fun. Like last Monday, I ended up taking D9 alone to 4-H meeting.
I didn't realize up to now just how controlling I was in the past in trying to reduce her suffering and how much this was the source of my anger. Wednesday night, my W was up most of the night due to some pretty severe panic attacks like she hasn't had in several months. I mentioned that she call her doctor in the morning. When I came home from work, all I had ask was how she was feeling. She replied they had past and that she had only herself to blame because she had a bad day at work and came home to binge on some chocolate brownies. (She has known for years that chocolate cause this reaction.) She said she didn't mention it last night because she thought I would get mad. In a pleasant tone, I said why should I get mad ... after all it was her that ended up suffering the consequences of her action and then I dropped it.
But its true, in the past I would had gotten angry. I would had said something like, "You know better! Why would you do something so dumb?" in frustration of why wouldn't she want to prevent it from happening again. Now, I come to terms with the fact she will do what she wants and will reap the consequences. I will not interfere to try to fix it. Hence I have given up the control and therfore eliminated the source of my anger so the arguements no longer occur. Slowly, she is becoming less defensive and more open. The down side is she still needlessly causes more physical pain to herself. I, on the the other hand, am feeling much more at peace within myself. Still it would be nice to find a solution that would be better for the both of us.
KAw, until I just read your part about controlling, I never thought I was like that, but I see that I always was trying to fix my h, or tell him what he should or should not do, he started smoking about 2 years ago, now do I like that, no, but I don't nag at him, he knows the harm it does. He also was on a weight loss program last year, where you take a dozen diff pills, but went to DR for high blood pressure, Dt suggested he not use this stuff, well alst week he started on it again. Only thing I said was I was concerned since Dr said not to, and the bp medicine with it. I did not nag, but in the past I would have kept on him. It is hard to change something you are not even aware you are doing. I hope the best for your wife and her medical issues. Have a great weekend Sue
Hello, wondered how thuings are going? Thanks for coming over to my sight. It has been an interesting week, so much grear advice to get me thinking about some important stuff. Have a great weekend Sue
... and go to the farm in the afternoon. 
Sunday, however, I definately have to tar around the vents on the roof. 
