Hi Rach, In this thread, I mentioned how last month my W withdrew. That when we attended a wedding ceremony at the church, how she pulled away from me both physically & emotionally (as well as the days before & after that)... it seems they all go thru this phase and of coarse each go thru it at their own pace. It is all part of the healing process and all we can do is ... give them space to heal ... make it safe for them to heal when they are with us ... let Adrian heal and prove to him that the butterfly called Rachael will patiently wait for him to heal.
Steph posted:
Quote: Just feel like shaking her sometimes and saying: RELAX, SNAP OUT OF IT WILL YA! Not sure if that would help though...
Well Steph, I think you already know the answer to that one...
This butterfly will wait but gets lonely (sigh). They do work off thier own time table don't they and play by their own rules? IT hurts when they do it and is hard not to say anything but I am a smart butterfly and am quiet. Thanks Kaw-hope things are going good for you now. Rachael
KAW, how are you doing? You are really an inspiration(I might have already told you that, but that's ok!)Your advice is so easy to understand. Keep it up
Rachael, it is so lonely when you don't know what the next move is, sounds like you have been patient. Keep up the great work. We hope the end results will be all worth it.
Thanks all for asking how I'm doing. I'm doing fine. My PMA has never been stronger. Much of our focus now is working on getting W's medical issues resolve. In my W's defense, she has been managing her meds well, but last month my employer switch companies for our prescription plan. The new company has fouled up all her prescriptions. When she went to the doctor's office yesterday, they showed all the documentation they had faxed to new company back on Sep. 9th, but this company claims they don't have her records on file. With this delay, she ran out of her prozac & meds for her diabetes. Now she feels in the "pits". Yes, she should have seen the doctor last week to straighten all this out and get some scripts to tie her over until the mail orders arrive, but she still didn't think it is important enough for to make the time. This time I didn't intervene, and now she finding out just how important it was on her own. but it is hard to see her in such discomfort when it could have been avoided. Now that she got her meds yesterday, she will be better in a couple of days except for the constant nausea. We will find out more about that on Oct. 3rd. ???
I was going to wait to post until after tomorrow when I will be able to report what the doctor has to say about my W's condition ... but ... OK, I admit it, I was having a little trouble seeing my thread being bump off the first page.
Nothing really new to report other there seems to be a transition occuring in myself. A sense of calmness has taken over. Small things that previously use to trigger the rollercoaster ride of anxieties (ie, car not in the driveway when I came home from work since she up and left in Feb., her "blue" moments, etc...) are no longer triggering. This week when I saw the car was not there, there was the fleeting thought of how that would make me feel, but the calmness would take over and thought came to mind "So what if she is not home?" and I even smiled to myself.
Tonite, W is having one of her "blue" moments. Previously, I would associate this with her having thoughts about OM or having doubts about being with me. Tonite, I simply asked if there was something I did or didn't do that contributed to the way she is feeling. She said no, not sure what was causing it. Felt like the walls were closing in again. I offered to watch D if she wanted to go out perhaps to the gym or something. She decided just to go to bed, stating that this will pass and she should be fine in the morning. Both of us have changed here. She use to believe once these feelings started that was plunging into a hole from which she wouldn't be able to climb out of. Now she feels it is something that will pass and tomorrow should be better. I in turn don't get upset ... offer comfort if she seeks it, and if not, such as tonite, just leave her be to deal with it on her own terms. The peace and calm are remaining within!
I also find myself shifting my focus in how I'm DBing. As we both seem to be becoming more comfortable in our new R, I find myself more concerned about slipping back into the old patterns. I seem to be reminding myself more and more to continue with the changes that I have found to work. It seems a new cliche is "A DBer's job in never done."
Kaw, I wish I had some of the calm you talk about having. How do you attain it. I have had anxiety disorder ever since my H moved out for 6 months and have still had it since he's been back, I can't seem to get the OW off my mind.
I wake up with it every morning-it's terrible. Sometimes all I can do it pace the floor its so bad. He says he's not having any contact with her, but he admitted to talking to her a couple weeks ago when she called. He opologised and said he would have no more but I guess I don't believe him hense all this anxiety. I thought when he came home I'd be so much better, but its not. I'm scared all the time tht something will happen and he will be gone for good this time. We are doing ok-by ok I mean we are getting along but its not how it used to be before all this happenend. He is apprehensive that I will change.
I already have so much, but he tends to focus on little bad things insteaad of the positive changes I've made. I have to watch what I say and how I say it. He gets very defensive. WE are going to C and that helps but I can't seem to shake my anxiety and its driving me crazy. I drink wine at night tocalm my nerves and I know that is not good but I get no relief except when I'm sleeping. I'm on meds and seeing a Dr. but even with all that the anxiety is so very bad.
I don't know how when you don't know if there is OW/OM people do it. Its constantly on my mind. IT has taken all the joy out of my life. I'm so tired of it all. SOrry to sound so down but I've been in such a bad place for so long I don't evven know anything else anymore. I am not down around him-I muster up the strenghth to be upbeat and appear happy when acutually I'm terrified. It's a terrible way to live. Rachael
Good luck with your w and the DR. today. We are all thinking about both of you. I know the peace you speak of, there was a time I felt the same way. Part of this Dbing is to know that whatever the outcome, we will be stronger. I am not 100% sure that in the long run that my m is going to be happy ever after and although I live day to day hoping that we will spend the rest of our lives together, I have gained a strength and peace that I think i could make it on my own.
I wish I could type something here that would change the way you feel, but you must find it within yourself!!! You have heard it all before from the best here (Andy, Lily, Matilda, Tree, Heart's Blessing, Tbone, etc...). You need to put some faith in what they are telling you.
For me, the turning point is when I posted:
Quote: Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
I truely believe that. At first I wonder if the calm would last. I would wait in reserve for the little things that would trigger the coaster ride like watching the guy standing at the controls and pulls the lever. Now as these things pass, I internal look for the guy to pull the lever, but I discover there is no one standing at the controls anymore ... the coaster remains at a standstill.
The calm isn't obtained by anything you do, but by the belief that ... what you are doing ... will bring you closer to where you want to be. It doesn't seem to get address here directly enough, but we have to overcome our own self doubts if we are truely going to experience a closer R with our spouses.
but it is hard to see her in such discomfort when it could have been avoided. Now that she got her meds yesterday, she will be better in a couple of days except for the constant nausea. We will find out more about that on Oct. 3rd. ??? 
