Hey, if the stars are with you, then you MUST be right!
Althea is so wise. Maybe it's time to reread the book and get some reminders about those basics? You've been through it before, but you aren't the same person you were back then--you've grown and changed. How does DB apply to who/ where you are now?
I get a sick feeling in my stomach reading your post.
Is this what marriage is suposed to be about? One partner being "depressed" and wandering about all over the place (in a manner of speaking) to find his peace, while the other is on continuous alert and bending over backwards to keep the marriage holding, keep themselves "attractive" to their partner, bury their own pain and disappointments in life etc etc. Where is the taken-for-granted COMMITMENT? Does this man support and cherish you? You certainly deserve it.
Your H's pressuring you to get a job is ominous, in light of the fact that he earns well and that your children are doing better with your attention as a full time mother and home maker. Frankly, if you are working full time and earning well, he will have to pay you less should he decide to bail. What reasons does he give for insisting you go out and work?
I went to the doctor yesterday and she has told me to go see some specialist in infectious diseases at the hospital. It may take a while to get an appointment, let's see. She says I may have picked up a viral infection, but I thought those were self limiting anyway?
Hugs to you Ellie
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
This will be quick since I'm heading out to pick up my car before running errands...
Sorry to hear that you're entering a phase which is most unpleasant. This was actually one of my many fears of reconciling, so I'm feeling for you.
Was wondering something, though. Something to mull around in your head before deciding it's a "bad" idea. A true 180... What would happen if you are the one to speak up and say, "I'm not happy, H, and these are the reasons why..."
I'm not advocating projecting, but to maybe state all the reasons why you're unsettled right now? You feel unsupported, pressure to create a career which fits his ideals rather than yours... you don't feel cameraderie with him lately... you're tired of feeling as though the family thermostat needs to be regulated by you to negate whatever he's feeling... etc.
I guess what I'm really enteraining here is the possibility of you throwing the gauntlet into the ring rather than waiting for H to do it and then figuring out how to recover?
Now I know what my biggest fear would be in doing something like this... that H would see this as pre-bomb behavior. But for me, pre-bomb behavior would have been for me to hold HIM accountable for my unhappiness, rather than to come right out and state how I feel.
Personally, I think you are just the person to pull this off.
This is one area where having a D is easier for me to navigate. If I have something that's presenting a problem with Mr. W., I don't have to worry about him divorcing me anymore. I just tell him what I don't like and see what we can do to change the future outcome and take it from there.
Have a great weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
(1) Brass tacks... Something is going on, whether it is with H or you or whatever, something is up. H was reading your thread here -- that is odd. You sense oddness in general from him. Who knows what the problem is? Maybe he is having an A, maybe he is thinking about it. Maybe he is having a difficult time dealing with what you are going through with menopause and seeking answers. Maybe he is frustrated because he doesn't seem to be able to "make' you happy. Who knows... The point is that you aren't crazy, something is going on, and the two of you need to work together to figure out what is off in your R. Please, no eggshelling or passive aggressiveness from you, lol, you are much better than that. Address this through direct communication.
(2) Your job stuff -- I'm very happy and excited for you about the opportunities you are exploring. I am very sad for you that you seem to be withholding about this to H. You seem to be feeling a lot of anger, resentment, AND a whole lot of defensiveness around the work issue. Can't you just share your activities, prospects, and excitement with H? Can't you tell him that you appreciate his offers and input, but that you really need to go in your own direction with this? What do you have to lose? Sure, he might not give you the praise and support you crave. But, you don't get that by being withholding either, so that is not a cost. Then again, he might turn out to be a much more supportive partner than you are expecting. Hmmmm, that could be a benefit. Give him a chance to be a good guy :-) Also, you might gain a little intimacy by taking down this wall you have built around the work issue. Yet another possible benefit :-) There is no way to avoid emotional risk here. You face the largest emotional risks by building and maintaining this barrier in the R. FWIW, if I had to name the big pink elephant in the room here, I'd say that you are experiencing a rather significant self-esteem problem around work and are being defensive about it as a form of self protection and blaming H/expecting H to be an ass as a form of projection. But, hey, what do I know ;-)
(3) You haven't just been uncomfortable for a day or a week. You have felt distance from H for awhile, you have been confused for some time. Trust yourself and don't pussyfoot around whatever is going on... Denial will just create new disfunctional patterns and undermine your life in all sorts of ways. You know this. Time to respect yourself and take care of yourself... Don't be dragged along by the tide of current events and succumb to taking a victim role. You own your life and you do pretty well with it :-) Let's see a little bit more from you of that stuff that makes that true!
Hugs, Oldtimer
P.S. Newtimer has been able to pull herself up holding onto our fingers and stand/sit down repeatedly since she was 9 weeks old :-) I think I'm going to have to learn some of the rules to those sports I was never coordinated enough to play myself. Oh, and I think she will have dark curls -- is it wrong to be jealous of the locks of one's own child? My H is the most wonderful father (and H, of course) in the world. I am so thankful Newtimer and I have him in our lives. We are so lucky I got D, lol :-D
Hi all - Not ignoring you, but think H has been reading the thread, so holding off from posting about us right now.
Interesting prospects on the career front, but found out last night that D16 has a F in her chemistry class! H is always accusing me of being too involved and not giving them enough independence in their work - well, here's the result of me following his advice. And, of course, it worries me terribly how she will do this year if I am distracted by working. I feel like I'm in a vise, with no good way out - don't go to work, and risk the marriage-destroying wrath of my H, or go to work, and let my still Prozac-addled D sink and ruin her chances at college.
It's mostly an attention problem, I think - thinking she can get by with less work than what she really needs to do, being overconfident then getting whacked when she takes the test and finds she really doesn't know it. Aggravated by the fact that she thinks she'll never use chemistry, and by the fact that the Prozac she takes for her eating disorder takes a toll on her attention.
We've been here before with other classes, she will pull it up (she's perfectly capable of As when she focuses) but of course her grade will not be what it could be - it takes a lot to balance out a month of F grade.
I just tell him what I don't like and see what we can do to change the future outcome and take it from there.
Betsey 
And, of course, it worries me terribly how she will do this year if I am distracted by working. I feel like I'm in a vise, with no good way out - don't go to work, and risk the marriage-destroying wrath of my H, or go to work, and let my still Prozac-addled D sink and ruin her chances at college.