I smiled when I read your post, and I might have laughed if I heard it on the news. It'd make more sense if it were "Natural Selection" trick bungee cords or biker blindfolds or something like that, wouldn't it?
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Not at all. I get a kick out of organic food issues like that. Pooh is organic. So is sickness. Let's weed out the weak, naturally??? *snicker snicker*
I thought I wasn't going to have to post any more...thought all was working out & then the rug got jerked again. Can you take a look at my post in Midlife & give me your thoughts again? I so value your opinion. You have been wonderful to me!!
Had lunch today with a dear old friend and his wife. Although we only live a half-hour apart, we haven't seen each other in quite some time. He and I were in medical school AND residency together - one year H and I lived next door to him and his wife when we were all young newlyweds.
He has left a big practice to go out on his own and was showing me around his new office. He's a funny, smart, sincere guy, and his wife and I used to be really close when we were younger.
It was great seeing his practice, as I am considering opening up a small practice of my own or going in with another classmate of ours who practices almost next door to him (she and I have a meeting next week). I'm sure they will both be good sources of information and advice.
I also met several people at a conference last week who are doing similar things to what I'd like to do in my practice and they've been quite helpful as well. One fellow has said I am welcome to come to his city and observe his practice (which is a model quite similar to what I'd like to do) and I would really like to take him up on that offer - it's just a few hours drive from here.
H would probably be thrilled to know where I am at with all this, but he doesn't ask and I don't tell. He's in such a negative, negative funk right now - and frankly, I don't perform well under that negative pressure. I find I'm making the most headway in my career-finding by just forgetting about him and asking myself what I want.
I can't really believe he and I are in this same negative place again. He's so grumpy and irritable, and now he's taken to just sullenly withdrawing from me. (Yeah, that's fun - my doctor puts me on some hormones to help revive my flagging sex drive, and they work great - except H won't sleep with me now!!! I tried waking him up with sex in the middle of the night - that worked before when he was having his affair - and he chewed me out the next morning for disturbing his sleep!).
I understand we have issues right now, I understand he's resentful about some things (well gee, aren't we all? I could drum up a few things to be resentful about if I tried) - but I don't understand - CANNOT understand - behaving so coldly with a woman who has loved him so truly for 24 years. If I had ever behaved towards him the way he is behaving towards me right now he would have been out the door pronto.
His behavior is so eerily reminiscent that yes, I've wondered if he's having another affair. I don't think so, but can't rule out a crush or a fantasy about someone else. Certainly he's vulnerable again in this mood.
The bigger issue, I fear, is that he's just back in that mental place where he's thinking he got "gypped" somehow in this marriage. And as much as I truly, deeply, madly love him, warts and all, and as much as I think we have only to apply a little common sense and generosity to get back to that blissful place we can and have been in together.... Well that's a long run-on sentence. My point being - if he bails out of this marriage again, I don't believe I have the strength left to pull him back in.
I understand now something I once read about men leaving women they can't make happy. I AM happy, almost all the time. But HIS unhappiness, and his conviction that I am to blame for it - well, I can see why men put in the same situation sometimes walk. Not that I ever would.
Sooooo....what to do with all this? - schedule marriage counseling (although I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick given our previous experiences with it, but H feels I'm not serious about fixing things if I don't)
- continue to focus on my career goals, which are becoming much clearer to me. Make my list of steps that still need to be taken in order to get there and keep up the networking, which is yielding great results.
- continue to focus on my personal goals of getting well and losing weight. Ironically, this is so reminiscent of the bomb - here I am, finally getting somewhere with my new doctor and new medical treatment, starting to feel better - and impatient H starts to bail before he can see the results. Deja vu. (Hey, maybe I'll lose weight though - that bomb diet sure worked great before! ).
Ugh.
And to top it all off - I am worried about H. But as long as he has himself convinced that I am the problem, he won't hear me about any of the physical things I see.
Quote: H would probably be thrilled to know where I am at with all this, but he doesn't ask and I don't tell.
Is there some way you can let him know a little about how interesting some of your networking has been? Not that you go into details which are still unclear in your own mind, but just that he knows you are seeing progress?
Quote: His behavior is so eerily reminiscent that yes, I've wondered if he's having another affair. I don't think so, but can't rule out a crush or a fantasy about someone else. Certainly he's vulnerable again in this mood
If you don't have some kind of evidence (yes, your intuition can count as evidence, but mere suspicions don't), then why borrow trouble? He might have a fantasy of life alone on a mountaintop with no responsibilities to anyone else and could appear for all the world to be fantasizing a life with some OW.
I understand how difficult it can be with a spouse who cheated before, but the worry will grow if you feed it, no matter whether it's true or not. Don't let that kind of thinking mar your life.
Quote: Sooooo....what to do with all this?
It's good to see that you have some goals set out already. If H thinks MC is a sign of commitment or of hope, then I hope you get a good one this time. Your focus on yourself in your other goals can only make things better for everyone.
Please don't worry about him bailing or you having the strength to pull him back. Keep journaling your networking successes, stay in touch with the other docs who've helped you so far with your career vision, and keep positives in front of you as much as possible.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: Quote: H would probably be thrilled to know where I am at with all this, but he doesn't ask and I don't tell.
Is there some way you can let him know a little about how interesting some of your networking has been? Not that you go into details which are still unclear in your own mind, but just that he knows you are seeing progress?
Not really - his mantra is that I should just go do temp work at his place of employment (the same place he says is sucking his soul!!!!) and that I'll never actually get a practice started anyway. If I bring it up in any way that's all I'll hear - and I don't need the negativity and discouragement right now. (BTW, I refuse to work at his place of employment because I refuse to work somewhere where I would be wondering who knew about H's affair, which happened there. He thinks he was circumspect but I know how nurses talk, I'm sure everyone knows. And I SURE wouldn't want to be working there if he bails again!).
I've decided that if he's going to insist that I return to work now (despite it being against my better judgment re: the kids) then I'm going to build the career I want, the career that had to take second place to family and his very consuming career.
Quote: Quote: His behavior is so eerily reminiscent that yes, I've wondered if he's having another affair. I don't think so, but can't rule out a crush or a fantasy about someone else. Certainly he's vulnerable again in this mood
If you don't have some kind of evidence (yes, your intuition can count as evidence, but mere suspicions don't), then why borrow trouble? He might have a fantasy of life alone on a mountaintop with no responsibilities to anyone else and could appear for all the world to be fantasizing a life with some OW.
I understand how difficult it can be with a spouse who cheated before, but the worry will grow if you feed it, no matter whether it's true or not. Don't let that kind of thinking mar your life.
I truly don't think I'm borrowing trouble this time. Rather the opposite - I tend to be so dense, so naively trusting that I never see it coming. And I know from prior experience that absolutely nothing can be accomplished in MC if he's carrying on a secret affair or infatuation on the side. I'm not ASSuming he is - but keeping my eyes and ears open. I will beware of feeding the monster, though.
Thanks Joe for the kick in the pants - I always know I can vent here and get good nonpartisan advice.
kml, I just read your update and I'm so sorry that you are in this spot again. I tend to feed the monster way too much, so I'm not one to give you any advice on that. My mind gets spinning out of control way too much!! You ARE a very STRONG woman and have helped so many on this board. I don't know of anything intelligent I can say to help you but I do know that I can be here to support you as you go through these feelings.
As for working to get the career that YOU want...you go girl!!! You will need something that is fullfilling to you if this does go south again. I wish you the best.
Quote: I've decided that if he's going to insist that I return to work now (despite it being against my better judgment re: the kids) then I'm going to build the career I want, the career that had to take second place to family and his very consuming career.
Good for you, Ellie!
Quote: I'm not ASSuming he is - but keeping my eyes and ears open. I will beware of feeding the monster, though.
It's definitely a fine line. You know how to walk it, though.
Maybe H will be able to get some of whatever is bugging him out of his system at MC? Is he able to be honest there, or is it all about you?
Quote: The tale of the tortoise and the hare has a most misleading moral. It implies that the great advantage of being slow but steady is that eventually, you will overtake a faster but more easily distractive competitor. That may be true - but it is an almost irrelevant side-effect. When you go your own way, at your own speed, life becomes much more enjoyable - so much so that you no longer feel interested in petty matters of 'success' or 'failure'. If you are happy now, you are doing the right thing.
I don't think you are borrowing trouble either. Rather, you are keeping your eyes open and your radar up. Instead of fretting about this however, or making assumptions, I think it is time to go back to basics. Remember your behavior and actions can affect his behavior and actions.
He is withdrawing and what you can do is think back to the era of the bomb about what didn't work. Perhaps you withdrew as a reponse to his withdrawl (I eventually did this when my H went into his funk)? What kinds of actions can you take to show H that you are indeed happy and in love with him and also show him that you care for him regardless of how he is acting right now.
Back to basics--make a goal list--look good, smell good--you know the drill better than anyone!
BTW my doctor just upped my synthroid to 100 nicro-grams. We'll see if it helps my current malaise.
).
At least HE agrees with my approach!
