Had lunch today with a dear old friend and his wife. Although we only live a half-hour apart, we haven't seen each other in quite some time. He and I were in medical school AND residency together - one year H and I lived next door to him and his wife when we were all young newlyweds.
He has left a big practice to go out on his own and was showing me around his new office. He's a funny, smart, sincere guy, and his wife and I used to be really close when we were younger.
It was great seeing his practice, as I am considering opening up a small practice of my own or going in with another classmate of ours who practices almost next door to him (she and I have a meeting next week). I'm sure they will both be good sources of information and advice.
I also met several people at a conference last week who are doing similar things to what I'd like to do in my practice and they've been quite helpful as well. One fellow has said I am welcome to come to his city and observe his practice (which is a model quite similar to what I'd like to do) and I would really like to take him up on that offer - it's just a few hours drive from here.
H would probably be thrilled to know where I am at with all this, but he doesn't ask and I don't tell. He's in such a negative, negative funk right now - and frankly, I don't perform well under that negative pressure. I find I'm making the most headway in my career-finding by just forgetting about him and asking myself what I want.
I can't really believe he and I are in this same negative place again. He's so grumpy and irritable, and now he's taken to just sullenly withdrawing from me. (Yeah, that's fun - my doctor puts me on some hormones to help revive my flagging sex drive, and they work great - except H won't sleep with me now!!! I tried waking him up with sex in the middle of the night - that worked before when he was having his affair - and he chewed me out the next morning for disturbing his sleep!).
I understand we have issues right now, I understand he's resentful about some things (well gee, aren't we all? I could drum up a few things to be resentful about if I tried) - but I don't understand - CANNOT understand - behaving so coldly with a woman who has loved him so truly for 24 years. If I had ever behaved towards him the way he is behaving towards me right now he would have been out the door pronto.
His behavior is so eerily reminiscent that yes, I've wondered if he's having another affair. I don't think so, but can't rule out a crush or a fantasy about someone else. Certainly he's vulnerable again in this mood.
The bigger issue, I fear, is that he's just back in that mental place where he's thinking he got "gypped" somehow in this marriage. And as much as I truly, deeply, madly love him, warts and all, and as much as I think we have only to apply a little common sense and generosity to get back to that blissful place we can and have been in together.... Well that's a long run-on sentence. My point being - if he bails out of this marriage again, I don't believe I have the strength left to pull him back in.
I understand now something I once read about men leaving women they can't make happy. I AM happy, almost all the time. But HIS unhappiness, and his conviction that I am to blame for it - well, I can see why men put in the same situation sometimes walk. Not that I ever would.
Sooooo....what to do with all this? - schedule marriage counseling (although I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick given our previous experiences with it, but H feels I'm not serious about fixing things if I don't)
- continue to focus on my career goals, which are becoming much clearer to me. Make my list of steps that still need to be taken in order to get there and keep up the networking, which is yielding great results.
- continue to focus on my personal goals of getting well and losing weight. Ironically, this is so reminiscent of the bomb - here I am, finally getting somewhere with my new doctor and new medical treatment, starting to feel better - and impatient H starts to bail before he can see the results. Deja vu. (Hey, maybe I'll lose weight though - that bomb diet sure worked great before! ).
Ugh.
And to top it all off - I am worried about H. But as long as he has himself convinced that I am the problem, he won't hear me about any of the physical things I see.
).
