Kaw, been reading your posts, you sound like there is much to be hopeful for, I wish my h was at the point that he could just hold me, but he can't at this point, and what do I do if he never does, or how long do we keep trying?? There are good signs from just 5 mos. ago, so patience is the key. Trust is also a hugh issue, from what i am reading on this b.We have to rebuild all that, and it takes time. Will check in later Sue
Hi Rach, Thanks for dropping by. It sounds to me like you are starting to put much of the insecurities behind and moving on and your last post here has so much potential to work with. Your ready to start the next level...
How can you trust him? As long as he is attracted to the Racheal he chose to be with, then he will NEVER doubt that decision. You need to do the things that atracted him to be with you in order for him to confirm his decision to love you. In your last post, he told you of a whole list of things that will keep him attracted to you.
Sometimes its hard to start having fun. What is more important is just to start doing more things together. Learn to be spontaneous again. I found I had to make a conscientious decision to be spontaneous For years we were stuck in a rut of staying home every week night. Now, I come home from work and W hasn't made diner yet, I say everybody gather up we are going out to diner, then after diner, I say something like "Well since we are already out, why don't we go walk the mall." By the time we are back home, we have spent an enjoyable evening together. Rach, how about doing a candlelight diner for him to come home to, then maybe a relaxing evening on the porch or a quiet walk around the neighborhood. I list these suggestions to spark something you can think of that the two of you might find as a pleasurable way to spend an evening. Read through you last post again. Instead of hoping Adrian will make plans for fun, you need to do it and invite him to join you. If he says "naw", then you need to go do it yourself and act "AS-IF" you are doing for yourself and you intend to have fun whether he is with you or not. This is the Rachael he wants to be attracted to.
Gotta get some work done now, will try to post more later.
Kaw-I hear ya, and I'm tryin'! Was real upbeat all weekend. Went biking and played in the park with our grandson and D. Our youngest S was with us too. I miss our oldest S out in COlorado, but hey, he loves the mountains. He'll be back someday to live here again I hope. About being the Racheal that he fell in love with. That's a hardie. I mean I can try and be her but I'm not 16 any more and neither is he. I still am the same person and thought I was except the bout I had with depression. He chose to have an affair instead of standing by me, and then left for 6 months. I'm doing the best I can with that. I am loving him-if he would choose her over me then I would know that I had done everything I could-I don't know what else to do Kaw! Fun....that is what he loves, I swear he's like a child.Nobody knows him better than me. I can do fun. He stopped by the house for a few minutes. I had seen where he had called on my caller ID at home and called him to ask why he didn't leave a message. He said he figured I was out and about and he'd call me later. He Knows I need him to call me during the day but I did not say anything-just held him and kissed him and told him I loved him. He is effectionate back to me. I wish he was the one all over me like he used to be, but that will come back right? In Time? I bought PAssionate Marriage today. Everyone has been telling me to read it. I hope it has some good ideas in there. Dating.....sometimes he acts as if he does not want to put for the effort unless we are going with someone else. I need to act as if he is dying to go out with me and we will have such a good time. Kaw.....I wish he'd bring me flowers.(sigh) That will be a BIG sign for me. He used to bring them "just because" somtimes. I really miss that. I miss him loving me passionately-hes getting better and compared to alot on this board he does alot,but there is still something missing. I can't put my finger on it. I know he loves me. I wish I knew how he felt about the OW, but I can't really can I? Just that he's here with me and comes home every night.I just hope he does not talk to her.About the cell bill, if he does not order it should I just drop it? I did not want to leave the house today but I made myself and it was good. Tonight I will be the Rachael he married. Rachael
I'm torn. Between trusting and not trusting..when do you ever get past this??? He acts like he's trustworthy-I cannot imagine him doingnadnsaying the things he does and then him going out and cheating onme behind my back. I guess I want a guarantee and there just isn't any. I HATE this. I want my life bacck where I felt safe and loved and I DID NOT have to worry about any other WOMAN in his life. What do you go by when it comes to trust? Actions? Words? If he wanted to be with her adn not with me wouldn't I have some sense of that-wouldn't he be acting like he is not content. I mean-he's not bringingme flowers yet, but he does tell me he lovs me every day and we are intimant alot and that is VERY good. For awhile he did not trust me when it came to sex-he thought I was using it to keep him-that I would go back to my old ways of not wanting him. I think after over 5 months he is beginning to see that its for reals as Lily would say. My problem before had to do withthe antidepressant I was on but he still took it personally. I just want the knot in my stomach to go away and know that he is where he wants to be and its not just becasue of our S who is a junior. I'm afraid he;s waiting fro him to leave and then he'll be out of here. Ok...I'm obsessing. Calm down......Its just so hard to beleve that he loves me. Why is that?? Rachael
Quote: Its just so hard to beleve that he loves me. Why is that??
Rach, That is exactly where I have been at right up to Mattie's visit here. Then it dawned on me...
Quote: What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again.
Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
This allowed me to take solice in the belief, that the changes I have made of myself by applying the DB principles, have made me the person that has attracted her back and decided to be with me. And as long as I continue to be the "new Me" that she is attracted to ... then she will have reason to doubt her decision or need to change it. Rachael, that is how I got to this point where I am now - past the not trusting.
If that doesn't work for you consider this ... Your S will be around for two more years. That gives you two more years to continue to work on yourself, to "DB" (like Andy has), to find more of what works and keep doing it. In two years, you are not going to be the Rachael you are now ... and far from the Rachael he had left. You have made a tremendous stide in just the last week. You have gone from obsessing here several times a day to now just once in several days! Don't obsess now about what will happen in two years. Take it day by day, and find ways to make today a better day than yesterday. If you do that, I expect that in two years you will have transversed into a butterfly right before Adrain's eyes, one that he will be truely attracted to and will be unyielding in his decision to be with you.
Thanks Kaw-it all makes sense if I can get it in my silly little head how this works I will be alot less stressed. I can see how memaking the cahnges that he needed me to make have already made an impact. It will be alwhile before he beleives they are firever, but he will see as time goes by.IT will all work out-I am having more and more confidence of that every week. He does not act like a man who is going anywhere. He's gonna be so in love with me just in the next few months-I know how he works nad what he needs-he needs to be loved and appreciated and he is a man that loves his family. NO room for OW anywhere around here. She will have to go look someplace else because she's not getting my man! Rachael
For years we were stuck in a rut of staying home every week night. Now, I come home from work and W hasn't made diner yet, I say everybody gather up we are going out to diner, then after diner, I say something like "Well since we are already out, why don't we go walk the mall." By the time we are back home, we have spent an enjoyable evening together. Rach, how about doing a candlelight diner for him to come home to, then maybe a relaxing evening on the porch or a quiet walk around the neighborhood. I list these suggestions to spark something you can think of that the two of you might find as a pleasurable way to spend an evening. Read through you last post again. Instead of hoping Adrian will make plans for fun, you need to do it and invite him to join you. If he says "naw", then you need to go do it yourself and act "AS-IF" you are doing for yourself and you intend to have fun whether he is with you or not. This is the Rachael he wants to be attracted to.
Don't obsess now about what will happen in two years. Take it day by day, and find ways to make today a better day than yesterday. If you do that, I expect that in two years you will have transversed into a butterfly right before Adrain's eyes, one that he will be truely attracted to and will be unyielding in his decision to be with you.