Kaw-Awesome post. So many answers to so many questions! It goes with our C session last night when we were talking about what Adrian wants. He wants to be able to talk to me and have fun again; He said I used to like to do fun things. His example-going for walks, going for bike rides, going for drives.I did not say it but he also was the one that stopped wnating to do those things. I would ask and he would say naw, I don't feel like it-its too cold or whatever. I think my personality had changed though alot. I was depressed and moody alot. I would give him the silent treatment. It took its toll on us both. He started talking to the OW about his discontent. I don't know how long it took to turn into a PA and I don't want to know. Just knowing is bad enough. In C I told him I needed him to reassure me without me having to ask. I think this is what Mattie is talking about when she says restitution. It's them-of their own free will telling us what we want and need to hear from them in order to beleive they really are where they want to be-with us. My H says he has not done it because he is afraid to bring the subject up-that I won't let it be after he tells me he loves me and I can trust him and he is here to stay. He's afraid of the "what ifs" from me or " "you left this out, what about it"? The C explained to him that by him avoiding me in this manner he is keeping us from intimacy and giving me the assurance I need so I have to keep asking him. Its a catch 22 she said. There was alot more she said and I hope he got it. I think he is still skeptical about me changing-I have-alot, but he is not to the place KAW where your wife and Matties H are. I hope one day for him to shock me with his words just like your wife did you. I told him last night that I want to be the girl he marrried. He said I act so sad alot. I'm not sure where he is getting that from because around him I am very upbeat and NOT moody because I know its one of the things that drove him away. I think in his mind he is afraid I will go back to being that way. Maybe he does not fully believe my changes yet, and so they are still real to him. He just wants to have fun and for me to be in a good mood. I can do that, but its been hard rebounding from a realization that my H has just had a 2.5 yr affair. I cannot dwell on that anymore though because it only serves to hinder my cause which is to have us back better than we were before. His needs are still a moving target too like Andy says. One day he wants this and another he wants that. It's hard to be all they want us to be. He might take some of his own advise and talk to me a little more or make some plans for us to do something fun. Suggest things. He's still acting out-flashing I think Lily calls it. Doing stuff out of character for him. Smoking, not wearing his seatbelt, growing a beard-I don't know why he's doing these things, but I know I can't act like his Mother and tell him to stop just becasue I don't like it. I'm hoping when he comes fully to his senses about us he will about those things too. I can handle him acting out with those things better than I can with the OW. C asked him about her last night. He maintains there has been no contact. I told her I asked him for his itemized cell bill for the last 3 months. She said that probably would go along way in helping me beleive him and that if he started talking to me telling me that I can trust him, ect., I wouldn't need those things. SO...we left it as we are BOTH going to make the effort to do things DIFFERENTLY (C has not even read DB or DR, and she knows what we have to do! She's good!) She said don't wait for the other one to do it first-it doesn't matter-just do it! I was very open in telling him my needs-I need us to be a team, the way we used to be. To want to be together most of our free time. The C made sure that Adrian spoke his needs and had me mirror them back to him until he felt heard. I know you know what I'm talking about when they do the distance thing and your left with this feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach wondering where thier head is and what they are really thinking because they aren't telling us! That's what I want to go away-I'll know by the way he talks to me and acts when he is out of this funk he's in. He's trying to work his way out. He knows he wants to be with me but a part of him just does not feel present. IT's a little different for me. He is not saying he does not know if he wants to be with me or he is not sure he is IN love with me. It's more of an unspoken thing. He tells me he loves me, and I beleive him but a piece to his puzzle is missing and he is trying to find it. I am helping all I can. I hope he finds it soon! Sorry this was so long! Rachael
