My dear Mattie, your post allowed me to have a revelation of sorts. Please bear with me on this as I attempt to put my thoughts into words here...

In my first attempt to respond, I was still at a loss for an answer to our common question and wrote the ole cliché that only time will tell us the answer. That in this respect both you and I were in the same boat drifting in a fog. Who knows ... perhaps we might cross paths with Lily's canoe. (Sorry, still had to work that into this posting. Before you know it, Lily will have this whole board sailing the high seas. Lily, if you happen to read this, please keep in mind that imitation is regarded as the highest form of a complement.)
Anyway, my home computer lost the message and I didn't have time to rewrite it again.

Later, I couldn't help but continue to ponder for an answer while my W slept beside me. I started thinking how it was the darkest just before she told me she was falling in love me again. June 1st, she made the entry in her journal about how she just had to get away from me. My snooping in her purse the following Monday lead me to discover she had collected phone numbers for Family Court, Child Support, etc, that by Thursday I decided to see a lawyer expecting to be served with papers any day. That same day is when my W later said she decided to consider work at M again. The following Tuesday is when she told me she is falling in love with me again and wanted to come back to M.

How could she turn so quickly? I remembered how she once told me when she first knew she I was the guy for her. We first met by working on the same shift at work. We were part of the same group that would go out for coffee at a Dunkin Donuts every night after work. After several months, one night I set up a telescope in the parking lot to show them the planets and such. She told me it was that night she decided I was the kind of man she would like to live with for the rest of her life.

Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.

What altered that commitment? The subtle shift in our behavior until we are no longer the person they were attracted to. Then they begin to doubt their decision to love us. The more we continue our unattractive behavior the more they waiver. Eventually, they change their decision. Unfortunately, for some of us that may mean an EA or PA.

What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again. For my W it took a little longer than a week for her to process this on her own before she came to me to talk.

Mattie, the fact that you & H had a 48 hour OR talk, allowed you to help him sort this out in record time and allowed him to make that decision and commit to it. Mattie, that was such a unique blessing in disguise. Most people on this board would give anything to have an opportunity for such an OR talk.

Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? [Racheal, this is what you been asking for...] As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.

Thereby breaking the previous cycle and IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!

This is why DBing is for life!!!!!

WOW ... alot to absorb and its late and I hope my fatigue didn't diffuse the meaning of my words. I hope it makes sense to you all ... goodnite.

Last edited by KAW; 09/14/02 04:57 AM.