Its been over a week and I guess its time to do some more journaling.
I've been continuing to do more of what works. I offer to help with every chore she does around the house when I am there, as well as doing "my" chores w/ her rarely offering any help. Last Tuesday, we spent the entire evening making class lists for her school job. Last Thursday evening, my agenda got messed up when my sister called because she got into a "tiff" again with my parents and needed to bend my ear for nearly a hour. Afterwards, I had to get ready for work the next morning while the whole time she just sat, watched a little TV, did a little reading. By bedtime, I was a little PO'd at both the sister/parent sitch and my W just sitting around and no offer to help me out while I had much to do to get ready for the next day. She asked why I was in such a bad mood, which started into another OR talk as I risked telling her how I felt. I told her it bugged me that she rarely offers any help in anything I do around the house and brought up how I offer to help her every day. This was a big 180 for me, but for the R to improve, we need to work more like a team with both of us wanting to help the other.
This last weekend my W asks why I haven't mentioned anything I would want or do on my 40th Bday next weekend. I said that I just want it to pass quietly without the fanfare. She had a puzzled look on her face and said she didn't understand why I wouldn't want to celebrate. I replied that my 40th year is not one that I feel I should rejoice about. She then put a hurt expression on her face and seem not to understand where I was coming from with that statement. With D in the room, I didn't want to go into it any deeper until we could talk alone. From the last few weeks, culimating with this discussion, my W has been acting "as-if" the first six months of this year never happened. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to forget and this still causes me some greif.
Later, when we were alone, we resumed the talk because she still didn't understand my reference and thought I meant I had nothing to rejoice about the present. I clearified that I do very much cherish our R now, but felt that at the beginning of the year we still could have achieved where we are now without the events that occured (the A), and now the wounds and scars that happened this year are reasons why I don't want to remember my 40th. She replied, "That's my fault." I did respond directly to what she said but continued with if she wants to plan something big for my 50th, then I will be more than eager to celebrate that with her!!!
Every day now, she makes an effort to help me too and does a lot more of the little things to show me she cares. This has help me believe she has put the OM behind her and she is truly focused on strengthening our family. For example, this week is the first time this year that while my D & I played frisbee in the yard, that my W came out on the deck to watch us.
With the home life now improving at a steady rate, I need now to concentrate on getting my job performance back on par, which means spending less time here on the boards. But I do hope to check in from time to time...
