Hi all, What extremes the past two weekends have been! First weekend at a wedding dealing with such pain & fear of my W distancing big time from me to this past weekend (into yesterday), having to go to an out of town wake and funeral and my W's needing to keep close to me and being so loving. I'm still trying to absorb all this ...
Interesting development happen when we came home last night and were relaxing on the bed. My W asked abruptly if I still had the seperate savings account w/o her. (This is been a sore point with her since she came back in Feb.) Actually, all our finances are still seperate since May, and neither of us have really pushed to make them joint again. Apprehensive as to where she was going with this subject, I told her yes and that is where the funds for our last trip came from. She then annouced that went she goes back to work in Sept. (works in the school kitchen), she wants to put money aside from her paycheck each week and put it in my account so she doesn't have access to it until next summer, so she will have some spending money then.
From my original post:
quote: Saturday [May 18th], W demands I give her the money from my savings for her apt or on Monday she will contact L for the big D! Turned into big arguement after which she stormed out of house
The money was OUR savings and I had transfered it in a seperate account to protect it from her wanting to spend it to get her apartment. My stance was it was OUR saving and should be used for US! (We ended up using it for OUR vacation in July.) This had brought her to as close to wanting a D than anyother time. Now she is asking me to take her money and keep it from her until next summer.
This is not sitting right with me. I could use some advise about this....
I see you have contracted my problem of thinking too much and reading too negatively into their comments. You think she is putting aside some "running" money but I read it completely differently. It sounds to me like she plans on staying around until at least next summer and she trusts you to guard it. I see it as all positive. You know her far better than I but I think it is good. The game is still the same. You need to be a good H and let the rest take care of itself. In fact, don't read anything into that comment. If you just can't stand it, ask her where she is taking you on vacation next year . Use humor and a light tone to make it a comfortable question. I know exactly what you are feeling and doesn't paranoia stink?
All you need to do is love her, respect her, enjoy her, humor her, comfort her and pleasure her. What else could she ask for? Not much. You are handling it well, just keep it up.
Kaw-I think it's positive also. If she wanted running money she would open up her own savings account in her name. SOunds like she was in her own way reassuring you that she's not going anyplace. Your reading too much into it-but I would too if it were me. We can always see things clearer when its somebody else's problem!! I have a dilemna. My H. is so fired up about this motorcycle trip he's taking in Colorado the 29th of this month. He'll be gone for 9 days. I'm really going to miss him! The thing is I have planned a vacation for US for our anniversary the 1st week in November. I had talked to him about it before and he was pretty quiet about it. I've always planned the vacations. We even talked about going somewhere else but decided to go back to Naples, FL where we love it and know where everything is. Here's the thing. He is not excited about it at all-or if he is he has not said anything to me about it. I wish he seemed a little more enthused about going away together-It makes me feel like he really does not want to go that he's just doing it out of "duty" I have not said anything to him about my feelings-thought I'd save it for C tomorrow night. I thought I'd see what you have to say about this-I mean that was ohe of his BIGGEST complaints before I found out about the A was that I would not go places with him. SO why the silent treatment about this?? Rachael M.
Tbone, It is not so much as that I consider it "running" money, I really don't, but more confused about her wanting me to keep an account when its very existance use to recently bother her. Until this year, we openly share all income between us. She also felt I had gain power of control over her finances by having money she felt entitled to in an account she could not access and she resented it. Now instead of resenting it, she asking to put me in a position of control. I don't if this is wise. I wonder about the possibility of future resentment over this control, so should I avoid this completely?
Hi Racheal, I wish I had some way of helping you out on this one, but my W is just the opposite. Our anniversary is also in Nov. and she has mentioned she has been thinking we should do something special. Actually, she says that every year, but $$$ always gets tight at that time of year and we always forgo going anywhere. Not this year! I will find a way to make it happen this year. My W is even making plans for places to go next summer.
Rach, perhaps getting some brochures from a travel agency and leaving them out on a table might be a way of getting him to say something without you actually initiating the discussion. Just a thought...
To all,
I am starting to see a pattern where the apple cart needs to be upset in order to setup a breakthru in the R.
For quite sometime my W has gotten into a pattern of being upbeat, affectionate, caring, emtionally attached after diner. As we talk, we are face to face with her gazing into my eyes. As we cross each others path in our evening routine, there is now the affection carress or an embracing hug. Then a change comes over her around 7:30 pm ... she becomes quiet, no longer encouraging conversation. Her responses to my inquiries become short and no longer cheerful. She stops smiling. By 9:00 pm, the emotional attachment completely desolves and she is withdrawn and distances herself physically. On the worst nights, by bedtime at 10:00 pm she can become quite cranky and couldn't care less if I gave her a goodnite kiss or not. She would totally shut down and shut me out ... a totally different person than the woman I came home to. This would happen 2-3 times a week. This always bothered me. In the past, I would become angry that she is doing it again and we would both go to bed irritable and it started to become most nights of the week. During what I call her WAW phase, I learned to just give her space and "act as-if" it didn't bother me. Gradually, the behavor deminished. In the last month, the pattern reappeared and I reacted "act as-if" again, but it has continued and has been draining my PMA as I began to wonder about her commitment to R. Last Thursday was one of the worst and this time I let it bother me. In rotten DBing form, I woke up Friday, jumped out of bed, angerily got ready for work and left without giving her a kiss or goodbye. During the workday on Friday, I was pissed off at her, at myself, at the whole sitch. I visited this BB, but could put my thoughts together in order to post. I was feel really weird. My PMA started to sink futher in that she never called during the day about what happened in the morning and I was beginning to wonder she was really losing interest in R. I didn't know what I would come home to...
I came home to a great BIG hug and a caring and concerned look in her eyes while she said she was worried sick about me. She didn't call because she didn't want to make things worse. Then we sat down and talk about what happened and I brought up her pattern of behavior in the evenings and how it really bothered me. For the first time in years, she didn't get defensive and was genuinely concerned that how she acted affected me. That evening she made the effort not to shutdown and at bedtime she started another OR talk by first apologizing for how she was behaving. WOW! Now this is on of the telltale signs that started years ago of the problems we were having. She had gone from apologizing for things she did she thought bothered me to no longer apologizing for anything. Now after all these years, she made a sincere apology. Proof that she truly cares about mending this R again and we finally broke one of those patterns of our behaviors that never worked for all those years.
She also brought up the OR talk to attempt squelch the continuing insecurities she knows I still had and admitted that she was accessing whether she truly wanted to commitment to R. She said after giving much thought in recent months, she can now see us together as we marry off our daughters and then enjoy our grandchildren and this is what she wants.
She also brought up the savings account again this weekend and she wants to use it to save money by not allowing her to have access to it. Since she is so sure this is what she wants, I decided to go with it.
Sorry for such a long post, but we covered alot of ground this weekend and our R seem to be on a much more solid foundation now than before. We seemed to reach the phase in Michelle's book where one can ask the other for what they want. It is no longer just one working to keep the M, but now it is both...
Its been over a week and I guess its time to do some more journaling.
I've been continuing to do more of what works. I offer to help with every chore she does around the house when I am there, as well as doing "my" chores w/ her rarely offering any help. Last Tuesday, we spent the entire evening making class lists for her school job. Last Thursday evening, my agenda got messed up when my sister called because she got into a "tiff" again with my parents and needed to bend my ear for nearly a hour. Afterwards, I had to get ready for work the next morning while the whole time she just sat, watched a little TV, did a little reading. By bedtime, I was a little PO'd at both the sister/parent sitch and my W just sitting around and no offer to help me out while I had much to do to get ready for the next day. She asked why I was in such a bad mood, which started into another OR talk as I risked telling her how I felt. I told her it bugged me that she rarely offers any help in anything I do around the house and brought up how I offer to help her every day. This was a big 180 for me, but for the R to improve, we need to work more like a team with both of us wanting to help the other.
This last weekend my W asks why I haven't mentioned anything I would want or do on my 40th Bday next weekend. I said that I just want it to pass quietly without the fanfare. She had a puzzled look on her face and said she didn't understand why I wouldn't want to celebrate. I replied that my 40th year is not one that I feel I should rejoice about. She then put a hurt expression on her face and seem not to understand where I was coming from with that statement. With D in the room, I didn't want to go into it any deeper until we could talk alone. From the last few weeks, culimating with this discussion, my W has been acting "as-if" the first six months of this year never happened. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to forget and this still causes me some greif.
Later, when we were alone, we resumed the talk because she still didn't understand my reference and thought I meant I had nothing to rejoice about the present. I clearified that I do very much cherish our R now, but felt that at the beginning of the year we still could have achieved where we are now without the events that occured (the A), and now the wounds and scars that happened this year are reasons why I don't want to remember my 40th. She replied, "That's my fault." I did respond directly to what she said but continued with if she wants to plan something big for my 50th, then I will be more than eager to celebrate that with her!!!
Every day now, she makes an effort to help me too and does a lot more of the little things to show me she cares. This has help me believe she has put the OM behind her and she is truly focused on strengthening our family. For example, this week is the first time this year that while my D & I played frisbee in the yard, that my W came out on the deck to watch us.
With the home life now improving at a steady rate, I need now to concentrate on getting my job performance back on par, which means spending less time here on the boards. But I do hope to check in from time to time...
Something strange happened last night and I'm not sure what to make of it.
When I came home from work, my W was clearly upset. She kept repeating how she missed all day. Later, she started crying and drew close to me and said, "Promise me you would never leave me."
This from a woman, who back at the end of May seemed so determined to move out and pursue an OM and saw me as her main obstacle in the way. Then for the last couple of months she was acting "as-if" the first six months of this year never happened!
I replied, I didn't fight so hard to keep our M together, just so I would turn and walk away. I tried to ask what was bringing on her insecurities but she just kept repeating, "Please don't ever leave me." Finally, I replied, so long as you remain faithful to me, I will always be faithful to you. At that moment, deep down inside that is all I found I could commit myself to. I took her in my arms and held her for about a half an hour. Then she seemed to return to usual self.
Despite her acting like everything is perfect, she evidently is still working through some issues. I just wish she would open up a bit more and share with me.
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. Use humor and a light tone to make it a comfortable question. I know exactly what you are feeling and doesn't paranoia stink?
