Get out of jail FREE!

[KAW]

Hi folks,
Thanks for dropping by. This past weekend has been the roughest I had in two months and has conviced me that we are going to be "piecing" for a bit while longer.

Friday nite, I came home to a withdrawn wife which stirred up deja vue all over again. When I asked about her mood, she said she had issue that she had to work out. She wouldn't give me any clue as to what the issues are and my imagination just took off. I just kept quiet the rest of the night and she kept her distance. Saturday morning, she woke up barely acknowledging my presence. I couldn't take this anymore, so I left to get a haircut and then ended up at the auto parts store for 1½ hours. Came home and busied myself with getting ready for a wedding we were invited to attend at 2:00pm.

A month ago, while we were on vacation, my wife wanted to renew our vows in a church. Now, I was hoping she would somehow reassure me things were OK between us while we watched the ceremony, but just the opposite happened. She sat to my right with her hands on her lap and never looked my way once. When the priest got to the part about fidelity and faithfulness, my W leaned away from me and moved both hands to her right leg and closed her eyes. At that point, all the pain I felt when she told me about the A had come back in full force. I truely wanted to escape.
After the ceremony at the church was over, we had to "hang around" until cocktail hour at the reception hall started at 6:00 pm.(Was only a 15 minute drive from church.) To keep my mind off the pain, I socialized with relatives. (Mostly ILs as this was my SIL stepson's wedding.) After we were seated for dinner, and the music started, my W started to warm up and with the first slow song she accepted my invite to dance. By midnite, we had danced to every slow dance and to some of the fast ones too with her singing all the love songs in my ear.

Sunday we spent a quiet day at home with many hugs and kisses with a little chit chat but no serious talking.

Monday, I was late for work because she initiated ... ,but when I came home she was down again. All she would say is that she had a really bad day and she didn't want to talk about it. Here we go again! If she would just to let me know what is bothering her...The fact she won't tell me ANYTHING AT ALL just starts my imagination run with thoughts about OM. At bedtime, I decided to gently coax her, by telling to but herself in my shoe and wonder what I must be thinking by her not saying anything about what is bothering her. I told my imagination was running wild with this and I was really scared we were backsliding. I promised I would only listen and not say anything unless she asks. After a while she finally soften, and began to tell me. To try to keep this short, she told me unhappy again, but with herself and NOT due to OR. She says truly loves me and am quite satified with the changes I have made. She didn't want to tell me because I would think she is unhappy with us and that I'm already doing more than my fair share in OR. I just thanked her for sharing and reaffirmed I would not be judgemental about whatever she says.

Her issues:
- She is increasing unhappy about the way she looks. She has recently joined a gym, but feels there has been no change. In truth, she has definately lost weight and I have noticed she is firming up as well. I have always comment of how pretty I think she is (and have always felt damn lucky to have such a pretty woman as my wife), but my opinion doesn't seem to count, because she always comes back with "No, I'm not!" or just rolls her eyes.

- She is unhappy with how she physically feels. This is going to be a tough one and will take a long time. My W is a diabetic and does have trouble regulating it with the medication prescribed. Then there seems to be side effects from the medication - headaches, nausea. Or are they really side effects or something seperate? She is going to doctors, but it is going to take time before they figure it out and prescribe the right amount of medication.

- She has no privacy with 22 yr old D (step-daughter to me) and our 9 yr old D. She can't to go to the bathroom or have a phone conversation w/o one or the other calling, "MA!" When I'm home I do become the buffer between the girls & my W, but when I'm home she does want to spend the time with me, so she feels she doesn't get any private time for herself. I suggested she needs for set up some boundries for the girls when I'm not around and will need to enforce them. Tough for her to do because of guilt she feels towards them, but I won't go into here.

She also did mention that she did see OM in passing at a store. She said she felt wierd about it. Didn't now if she should talk to him or not. She did repeat that they were very good friends for two years before PA, and she misses that friendship very much. She did not bring up her desires like she did in the journal, but did say she misses him as a friend and didn't know how she should act if she sees him again around town. I responded that if she happens to come in contact in a public place that she didn't have to ignore him so long as there is no intentionally contact.

She said she loves me sooo much it hurts and wonders how she could love someone else that much and not love herself. I knew she wouldn't except anything I say in response so I just gave a long hug.

We both felt much better after the talk and on Tuesday I took the day off to be there for her, run interference for her when needed and take her to the doctor. It seem to have made a difference. I just wish she would open up to me more. She said she doesn't know if she could again....Yes, we certainly are going to be piecing for a while..."

'til later,
KAW

[RMC]

Kaw-seems to me she opened up quite a bit-more than a bit. She let you know exactly how she was feelihg about things INCLUDING the OM. SHe could have easily left that out but at least she's being honest. You did good by just being there for her and listening and not getting angry. Helping out the next day was most definately a winner. Sounds like she has some unresolved feeling for this OM, but she KNOWS she loves you so it tears her apart. I know-I've been there. Your head is telling you one thing and your heart pulls you in a different direction. My pastor once said something that I will NEVER forget. His brother was involved in a PA when he was married with 2 boys. My Pastor flew to where he was not knowing what he was going to say to him
or do. When he saw him he just hugged him and they cried, His advise to his brother was decide what is the RIGHT thing to do, and then move towards it with all you have never looking back. Of course his brother new the RIGHT thing to do was stay with his family. His head told him that but his heart was pulling him away. We cannot always listen to our hearts-that means going on our FEELINGS. If we did that all the time look what a mes we'd ALL be in in every sitchuation of our lives. The very same thing happened to me and that was why this story had such a profound impact on me. My head told me the right things to do and my heart and feelings were pulling me away from my family. If you follow your HEAD and what you know is RIGHT, God will honor that, and you will find the love that was never really lost to begin with. I hope this helps in some small way. I wish I could say it to so many WAW and WAH's. They just follow the wrong lead. Rachael M.

[tbone]

Kaw,

I could have wrote most everything in your last post at some point in my sitch. You did great by riding out the "big chill" and then offering your support when your imagination was getting the best of you. Picture perfect, you were. I know what you are dealing with in regards to your W self image. Just keep confirming her progress and eventually she will see it too. I personnally think she feels "ugly on the inside" for what she has done. That will take time to go away. Very important now to be her friend while she works through this. She realizes you have changed and now it is her turn and she probably just can't do it fast enough for either of you.

You kicked a$$ and gave me inspiration to keep doing those same sorts of things on my end. You have got the OM down but don't screw it up by changing the "game plan". Keep doing what works, right? We all know how poorly the "prevent" defense" works. Don't try and just maintain your lead, keep charging. Don't just tell her how pretty (sexy, attractive) she is, show her. The next time she is undressing or getting out of the shower, attack her. When it is all over tell her she is so attractive that you just couldn't contain yourself. If it isn't a good time to complete the attack at least let her know how "hot" she got you just with her presence. I would wager significant cash that she will think of it the next time she is concerned about her "body image".

Don't change a thing Kaw. Well, maybe do some things to distract your wild imagination. That is probably your worst enemy right now. You did a great thing by getting out of there when she was cold. Do that if you have to and come back in a great mood. You can lead her out by example just like you did at the wedding.

TBONE

[treesa2]

Awesome DBing KAW!
Many of the things your wife is not feeling good about really are out of your control. It's sad that she feels the way she does.
Does she discuss this with her doctor or a C?

Keep doing what works KAW! Impressive

[ANS]

Awesome indeed, Kaw.

And, try not to fret about the things she doesn't want to share with you. Sometimes people just want to let something pass, and talking about it just doesn't facilitate that.

And if you're fretting about it, maybe the reason is that you suspect that she's not feeling too good about you. Even if you're right, does that mean it would be better if she "aired it out?"

Not necessarily. A lot of DBers go dark (or some shade thereof) so they can get a positive "aura" back into their R. Again, it's better sometimes to let those negative feeling pass, rather than "airing them out" and letting them take on a life of their own.

She says that she truly loves you.

When all is said and done, that's what counts.

Andy

[KAW]

Thanks everyone for the boost, however I still feel I really havn't accomplished much to move us foward from this. I do feel little more secure in that the issues she is dealing with are not exclusively about OM. From her journal entry of last Monday I was wondering if perhaps she might obsessing over OM.

Tbone - I agree about her feeling ugly on the inside and I believe it is because of guilt and does not have the strength to face it right now. This probably also why she doesn't want to talk either in fear of the guilt raising its ungly head during the discussion. <sigh> It is going to take a long time to get past this one.

Tree & Andy - A big part of her reoccurring depression is because she does not want to talk to anyone. She just holds all her feelings in until they overwhelm her. She has been to a couple of C over the years and recently we did go to C in during this spring, but she feels no one will ever understand her and is tired of everyone making choices for her or telling her what to do. This perception was at full force with PA. Friends & family were telling her she shouldn't "walk away" from M, fellow workers at the school (this is where W & OM met) were telling her OM is no good and there is no future there. C was telling W to "walk away" and cease all initimacy with H, which is probably why she never really left and we had frequent moments of passion ... (And yes we were victims of the wrong kind of C. Went to employer's program before knowing about DB.) I have mention about seeing a new C again during our recent talk but she flat out refused so I dropped it. If I can get her to soften up to me and release some of her feelings to me, so I can validate her feelings, then she will less likey to become overwelm by them and perhaps start to face them and deal with them. It did seem to help her lift her mood by talking about them the other night. Yesterday, she had another bad day...At nephews party, my youngest D had binged...when they left the party a thunderstorm approach causing D to panic and throw up all over the car. This triggered one of my W's panic attacks at the side of the road. When I came home, she told me all about it and managed to smile afterwards, then seeked comfort in my presence rather than becoming withdrawn.

I just need to keep those lines of commuication open between her and me...

'til later,
KAW

[Jamesjohn]

"Thanks everyone for the boost, however I still feel I really havn't accomplished much to move us foward from this."

Often times, I've found that some of the times we feel like we're not moving forward are times we are helping to build our foundation back up, stronger and better than ever.

Take a look at it this way, and see if it helps you.

I think you're doing great, my friend! Hang in there!

JJ

[tbone]

Just wishing you a peaceful weekend Kaw. I know you are in a tough spot but keep focusing on the positive. Be patient with her and you both will be better for it. You pulled me through my toughest time and I hope I van do the same. I hope you have fun with your "girlfriend" this weekend.

TBONE

[KAW]

Thanks Tbone,
That really helps alot! Not sure what this weekend will hold for us. We left our plans open in case we need to make a trip to Long Island. W's uncle is in kidney failure and is not responding at all this week to any treatment. This is a large part of why she has been so moody this week plus the girls are starting to get on her nerves during the week. She is counting the days to when school starts. But the last couple of evenings, she has been making efforts to show her moods are not caused by OR or thoughts about OM so I have been able to remain calm and provide her with space when she wants and be there to comfort her when she needs it.

Here's hoping for the best ...

BTW, I've been tickled "pink" by your sitch lately. That seed I mentioned earlier appears to be nearly full grown and is about to blossom. I'm humbled that you think I had some part in helping.

'til later,
KAW

[KAW]

Well my W just called. She just heard that her uncle had passed away this afternoon. I now need to head on home...

'til later,
KAW