In a nutshell: married high school sweetheart after college 20.5 years. Have 2 teenage children. We never learned to communicate well. I always used the lashing out, nagging, and outrageous comments always hoping for a response reassuring me. Of course, I never got it. He withdrew (and being military was often gone). I did many of the things I am reading about in DRemedy. 12 years ago I went into a DEEP depression that found me saying out of the blue "I don't love you and want a divorce." This occurred the day he returned from being gone 3 months and just prior I was confessing my undying love. I believe this killed a part of him. I got better and continued to do the wrong things. He just worked even later to avoid being at home even though it meant he didn't spend anytime with the kids. Last August, H said he didn't love me, didn't know if he ever had, married me cause he thought he should (not preg), was unhappy and had been lonely for years! Late Sept. heard a voicemail from OW "miss u." H swore it was inappropriate and gave explanation. Oct.31 I told him to leave after he continued to tell me he didn't think he could ever be happy with me. He moved on base but like a hotel. He came home alot to get clothes... Was in house for 3 days at Christmas and we got into huge argument. I have been very angry and hurt. Feb. he moved into the guestroom to save money. We had sex (not love) and then he started sleeping in my bed (only 2 times.) H would work unbelievable hours (not unusual) but was leaving work and not coming home for hours. H continued to deny until last Wed when I found OW's (also military)text messages. They have broken it off and she is with her family. He informed me last night he loves her but can't and he misses her (they both say it was never sexual only emotional). He "knows" all about her and her family (husband 3 kids) and they just TALK. He has no choice but to see her everyday at work. H says the OW has nothing to do with us because he already had all the bad feelings for years and years. Foolishly, I still love him. We have put ourselves and kids thru this roller coaster. The kids are at grandparents for 2 days. I was there and H called very depressed and lonely. He asked for us to come home. I didn't bring the kids because it was the first we would have seen him since the episode with the text messages. He has been alone before but this time it bothered him because he was missing OW and had no one to be around. We spent the day together yesterday talking about them and how he views our past...A lot of silence, which made me feel like he was thinking about how well he communicates with her and has nothing to say to me. He is coming home tonight for us to have dinner. He says I am too good for him and he doesn't know if he loves me or wants to be with me..... if he would be better alone... QUESTION: Do I ask him to move out while he gets himself together and that if he wants to be open to taking it slow and building a new M we can see each other and talk as often as we want? Do I let him live in the guestroom? In our bedroom? He says he needs time but I can keep subjecting the kids to his erratic in and out behaviors. He had asked for time since last summer and look what he did with it. It has definitely done the kids some damage. They know what is going on, they see it. Do I just let him decide and then what? If he wants to stay, doesn't he have to agree to be open? I know he wakes up everyday saying the same negative things to himself. I have been working on changing my behaviors. I of course did everything the DRemedy says not to do: say ILY, pictures, call family, emails.... Now it is killing me to stop... I just don't know what to do tonight. The kids come home tomorrow.
