It does sound like our silent spouses are similar in some respects.
After my S and my H's affair, I have continued to see a C, for myself and it has helped, how about yourself? I feel I can look at this horrible A and the last 2 yrs. as a possible turning point and a new start for us. Unfortunately for myself , it took this A to begin any changes. I also believe my H in MLC and I need to continually remind myself this OW was just a short term fix for his own problem and I couldn't fix it.
For several yrs. before his A, our R sounded in some respects like your sitch, very much "in a rut", little to no Sl, little passion or intimacy, but H was involved in the family , mostly on the surface . My H also gone long hours to days at a time with his job And I got used to it and even was glad when the M was down that he wasn't around. I wasn't even sure I wanted to try to change things or how to start. His bomb really hit me and hit me hard to do my own GAL and stand by so many DB principles. I still come to this board for support, and to vent here also. I am not one for wise advice, ( so many others here are!) but a great listener anytime.
You sound very determined, loving of your H and family and patient---so many things I have come to slowly learn the hard way, so you have some steps ahead of me, from where I started many years ago.
I know my own R has much more work to be done by both of us, and I think it goes back to that word of patience. yes I can definitely see when H and I are upbeat, having some fun and easygoing, then I may slip a bit of the R talk in. Do you try to do activities you remember as a couple that were fun or exciting for you both? I found even going to a movie was a start, less pressure, and we could talk about it afterwards.
My H has always been a "no talker", and I am just realizing that some of this is related to himself,and I cannot change him. I am definitely striving to keep my self esteem and confidence as so many others on this board have also strengthened me to do so.
any 180's you've tried with your H that you have found worked? Maybe, not being home to answer calls when he calls you? or having new activities for yourself that you enjoy? My H is the more social one than me, and when we were seperated, the best was when H would call and my S19 told him "mom out with friends, or not sure where or when she would come home"--of course most of the time it was out walking, or movies, but H didn't have to know that. Or I took some new classes and I think it was just enough for H to see me as a confident, managing person, even though I had to fake it so many times. I'm sure you know what I mean. Others on this board reminded me to just be "his friend" but continue to GAL and I think that helped a lot. Sometimes it is harder for me to continue these principles when our H's are at home, rather than not at home.
so here I am rambling again, and glad it is to this board and not to a H who is definitely not up for any R talk any time soon.
