I read that book. It was actually the first one I read after DB. My C is an Imago therapist so that is pretty much their textbook. It was a hard read for me. My feelings about it are probably on par with your feelings about PM.
I would LOVE to hear what you think about it so do your reading and I expect a report soon!
GH
P.S. LOTS of "childhood affects adult relationships" in this one. Very "old-school" psychology.
GH and Mama....I started, long ago, reading that book as well. It's also a VERY highly recommended book. Like many R books, they each make a LOT of sense in their own way.
I think that DB and others like it are solution-oriented....we have read that the philosophy is "not focus on how it happened, but what to do now."
The philosophy of Getting the Love you want, like GH said is "dig deep to where problems come from , for appropriate solutions, etc"
They are different and the same. At first, I didn't like the "focus on childhood" stuff. I felt that we were here and now, and our M was separate from childhood. That I knew the mistakes I made and wanted to correct it.
In a lot of ways, it worked for me. BUT, lately, I have been digging as to WHY I acted the ways I did. Sure, I can find the assumptions, the triggers, but there is also a reason why I chose those particular ways to act. Guess what, I had a chance to spend time with my parents in March and to my horror, I mirrored how my mother acts in her M, and also see that a lot of my overexpressive behaviors come from not expressing myself at all through childhood and into intimate R's. H was sensitive to this side of me in M. It was my duty to face this and outgrow it, and I have now.
By the same token, as I try to make sense of H's actions (total lunacy), I can't help but to read in DB MLC reading and others that so much is rooted in childhood issues. Also, when I consider the history, it makes TOTAL sense.
So, though it is old-school and perhaps reaching, I still think you can combine it with solution-oriented thinking. Most importantly, it helps me to consider the WHY of the madness going on....it's not always the answer, but with larger issues and behaviors, it's helpful. It helped me to understand, and even be compassionate and empathetic. It helped me to see that I have the same thing going on, and helped to learn ways to handle H, like he learned ways to handle me during our M.
All in all, considering childhood issues just makes you more sensitive to someone, and lets you take care of that "inner child" in them that we all have. The side of us that is vulnerable and defensive.
100% agree with Always and would delete my post if I could. Thinking about it, I too got a LOT from the book, I just didn't find it an easy read, like say DB, DR or The 5 Love Languages. While I shy away from Freudian stuff for the most part, I do think there is something to be said for understanding your history and how it affects you.
Thanks Always for saying things in a more positive way that I did.
As a side note, if we are all on the same page as far as childhood issues affecting us as adults I sure am scared for my children and what they have been exposed to since last fall when the bomb dropped - things weren't always pretty. Ugghh....
Update, H came home late and had an "excuse", I am at the point as if I really don't care anymore. I guess I have learned how to detach and have "dropped the rope".
I read PARob's new thread and the little snippet of info regarding that "rope". I can no longer be responsible for H's actions. Nor do I want to "react" to them. I am happy with my life, always have been. Is this a learning process for me? Hell, yes. Are there things I need to change about me? Hell, yes. I will do these things, not for my H's benefit, but for MY benefit.
If you have been following me from the beginning, you know that I was married before. 11 years, no kids, no regrets.
THIS marriage is my life, I LOVE this man probably more than he knows. IF I have to start over again, I want to know who I am and what my wants and needs are. Even if starting over means with my H (which I hope it will be).
Anyway....I am rambling. I think, lots of patience, compassion and walking in your spouse's shoes is KEY to the survival of your M. I know for a fact that I am guilty of thinking my way is the only way. Thinking that my H should think and feel EXACTLY the way that I do, well let me tell you that is totally wrong. H has his own ideas and feelings about things, they may be different from mine BUT they are definitely not wrong. This is what I am now working on....validation and empathy.
Jokerman, Not at all. My H as never actually hit me. Came close lately though. I know enough, that that would be the last straw. I have zero tolerance for that!
Maybe the good that comes from these terrible situations is that we realize once more how much love we have for our spouses. When you have to fight for someone you realize how much you value him or her. I know I can't imagine not being with my W, but if I have to I will. Just like you Mamabear. Take care of yourself.
