I am more and more convinced that this process is made up of a bunch of work followed by a series of "turning points" or times when we LBS have to make a decision on either blind faith or very little supporting information, that may not agree with DBing or advice we get. I think we see this all the time in sitches where someone has a R talk because the just can't imagine waiting anymore, against the advice of the board, and it works out well.
I am not saying that this is always the case (it working out well that is) but I think what I am saying is that for me personally, I have had to take MANY leaps of faith in my sitch, the biggest of which being the ring this weekend.
Each time I do things like this, I KNOW it could backfire on me but I also know that I have to DO something, or at least actively recommit to waiting.
In your sitch, I think you are seeing these "turning points" too. You reach one, think it may be THE one, and then it turns out to be just a member of an ever expanding set of personal crucibles where your resolve is tested.
I felt from the minute I read your H's harsh words to you that he would retract them in some way. I also knew that it may not matter too much to you. Now you are at one of those turning points, a place in the sitch where you have to once again take stock, and then take a flying leap, really based on faith alone.
You know you can't trust him, so remaining in the R with that as a requirement is probably out. Do you take the leap of faith that more DBing and trying to work on things despite his probable lying will work? Do you take an even bigger leap and assume he's telling the truth?
Do you continue to proceed with the legal stuff, getting ready for D even though he says he doesn't want that? Will that force the issue and make him come back harder or push him away? Does it even matter to you? All leaps of faith, each option's outcome murky at best.
What I am saying Mama is that at our points in the sitch, there comes a time when I (and mind you, this is a BIG projection of my personal feelings shaped by my recent events) think we have to trust ourselves again. We spent SO much time learning NOT to trust ourselves that it doesn't come naturally anymore, but I think in order to end up at a place where WE can feel like we were true to ourselves, we need to make personal, rational decisions that reflect who we are/have become in all this.
I know you don't want to be a doormat. I also know you want your marriage to work. Furthermore, you know that being a doormat will not likely make your marriage work now any more than it did in the past. So don't be a doormat. Doormats just lay there and let whoever comes in the house step on them, wiping all their dirt and crap on them as they pass over. Don't take on that dirt and crap. You can still let him through the door but make him take THOSE shoes off before he comes in.
I can't tell you what to do. I am NOT angry at all by your assertion that you may want to continue with what you've been doing. I have never considered you a doormat and would not now if you simply did nothing new. YOU have to decide what's right for you and I firmly believe that if you make that decision and own it, it CAN'T be wrong because you know what? If we know and understand that these decisions COULD result in going forwards OR backwards and make them anyway, with full acceptance of the potential consequences, then we've done all we can do.
It's NOT making a decision and accepting what HE decides "should be" as the status quo that I think makes you a doormat, and I don't think I've ever seen you do that mama, and you won't start now.
I am really glad you are ok. I was worried about you. Please take care and let us know how things are going when you have the time. I fully understand NOT posting as much, lol, so don't worry about it.
