Always, he just called. He is later than usual, told me not to freak out but he was busy and had to work later (weather related) and I believe him at his word. Told him that I took kids to get bowling shoes. We have been bowling alot and the majority of the cost is renting the shoes....He said, good idea did you get me any? Let's go bowling tonight. I told him I didn't but we could stop on the way to the alley. When I answered the phone he almost sounded afraid to talk to me, like he expected me to be angry. I wasn't. I have been let down so much by my own expectations that I just let things kind of roll off of my back.
Always, I really have been GAL. Kids and I put up a bulletin board in our basement dedicated to all the activities we have been doing this summer. It is packed and the summer is only 1/2 over. We have also decided to make a quilt out of fabric squares and fabric markers telling about the summer of '06. I have been doing alot with my girlfriends and their kids also.
I just think I have been hanging on so hard to my H and my marriage. I have also come to realize, as others here have that I needed to say my peace and let go. It is just so conflicting for me. My H is extremely nice to me when we are together. We have a genuinely good time with eachother so when he goes to work (with OW) I start to freak out. After reading Jokerman's thread and The Diary of an Affair I now understand more of how my H must be feeling. I just hope he realizes how much he is willing to throw away before it is too late.
Update: When H came home I had a little appetizer made for him. I know he is always starving when he gets home. He asked to see our bowling shoes and said he would love to go bowling with us. On the way we stopped to get him some shoes, which turned into everyone getting their own ball and bags. Had a GREAT time bowling. Everyone did really well, alot of high fives and compliments. Went out for pizza afterwards and H sat next to me in the booth.
This morning he left a note saying how much fun he had last night and that we should do that alot more often.
I am hoping he made his choice to stay with us, I think his problem may lie in breaking free from the OW (hopefully she is not a psycho but on the other hand I hope she is so that he can see what he almost got himself tangled up with )
Mama, here's the thing right now for both of us. Our spouses are f--ked in the head. As much as you and I would LOVE to be f--ked, I don't think the head is where we would like the f--king to take place. My point is to not let his mental masturbation contaminate your ability to see things clearly and keep going on YOUR path. Don't let him do you like that.
I've always loved that term. I thought I was the only one who used it.
Any woman who goes after a married man is F-cked in the head to some degree. And I agree the spouse that gets caught up is F-cked in the head in the head too. I just hope it's just temporary insanity for me.
FYI the meal when he got home was a great idea. OW will do things like that in the begining, but that will wain b/c they do not love the H. Just their own selfish desires. You made that meal out of LOVE and support. The OW will make the meal out of manipulation.
Update, Took the kids to see Monster House today - Excellent movie for anyone who is interested. A little bit scary though, S4 brought his "blanket" which he covered his head with a few time during the movie. Seemed like H was a little miffed that we went without him, oh well.....
Kids wanted to go bowling again tonight, so we did. Had fun. Got info for joining a league.
I just don't feel that H is authentic. He is doing all the motions be I'm having a hard time believing that this is where he really wants to be.
As I wrote in GH's thread, why don't our spouse's just understand that THIS is life? It is not always perfect. Sh*t happens. Kids complain and whine, you dog pees on the carpet, you don't have enough money, etc....Whether you are with me or OW these things will eventually come up, right?
Anyway, I am just blabering....sorry....I have to vent somewhere, right?
Strongbear ****Preface I am NO marriage counselor. If you are looking for someone to give that to you...you are looking at the wrong guy.
I am not a fan of divorce, but I am a fan of happiness. I really does blow me away how spouses can stay with H even when the affair is ongoing. Hell my W will leave me in a heartbeat even though I ended mine.
I do agree with GH about the mental masterbation.
I also think the cheating H WILL come to his point of clarity. Luckily for me it happened quick. It may take years. But they will get there. TRUST ME.
The bottom line is are you a loving wife working on the marriage or an enabler?
Yes marriage is a sacred thing that is worth fighting for but on the other hand, should you be a doormat too.
It sounds to me that you are on the crux.
I do think you husband is under the stress of an affair. He does not have the major stress of hiding it - maybe to a degree but not like most.
It sounds like he is on the verge too.
Keep in mind though. If he comes back because of guilt, or because of the kids, you will be in the same place a few years from now if not months.
He needs to come back because of the marriage and YOU. NOTHING else.
Damn I wish I could talk with him. I don't know what does and does not turn that switch on, but I know it will turn....even if it is too late.
So I guess I was not too much help. I think you may want to defer to others on this board on advice what to do. If he does or does not do something and you want my 2 cents, I will give it to you.
If I knew what to do to keep marriages together I would be upstairs making love to my wife instead of staying on the couch.
One, my wife constantly loving me and supporting me, even though she did not know about OW, I was still gone.
Two, my clarity slowly began to come back.
You can be strong for days, weeks, months, years... I don't know I do think he will see the grass was greener on the side he was on.
That WILL happen.
I guess I am so absorbed by guilt that when I hear of these sitch of wives staying w thier H when they know they are in an affair blows me away.
Again, if my W knew about mine (even though it's finished) she would be gone.
I do think that there is something to this DB stuff from what I have read. My wife did the same thing even though she never read the book. That was a major piece of me coming back home.
But I just can't see how long a LBS can do this. I cannot comprehend that kind of strength and resolution.
My heart goes out to you.
Yes my wife was an enabler in my affair. She never asked me where I was the night before. She never asked me who I was with, she just loved me.
Hell I could have went on with my affair for months and months if she kept that approach. Luckily I did not. Her approach was one of the reasons I came back - like I said.
But damn...how long can this go on????? Ultimately I guess that's up to you.
All I can tell you is that at some point his "switch" will turn on. He will see what he has thrown away. And the pain you are feeling now, will never equate to the pain, regret and resentment towards the OW that you are feeling now.
You ARE doing the right thing now. I hope you have the resolve and his clarity sets in VERY soon.
Hang in there Strongbear. You are doing the right thing. Also listen to GH. GH seems to have a good grasp on things too.
) 