Good thread, Mama. Good going last night, you calmly and authentically told H what you felt, without doling out resentment and anger and judgement (well, maybe a little with OW).
When I first detached, I didn't turn a blind eye. In fact, when H came home late, I cheerfully would say "I didn't make dinner tonight, b/c I thought you would be out with your friend....did you have a good night?" It was my way of saying, I know what you're doing, I'm not stupid. I cannot control you, but I CAN control MY life and be happy on my own, doing my own thing.
I also did my own thing, I would stay busy when H came home, and I stopped trying to be perfect, instead making changes I wanted and in a sustainable way (I stopped cooking fab meals each night and went to only nights I wanted to)...I started really taking care of myself (working out, eating right, reading, laughing alot) and being happy. I was confident and acted strong. It was hard, but it was my way of saying that I would be his friend, expect nothing, but also not be a doormat. That way, his charade was over, but I didn't cause a fuss, let him do what he needed to.
It made him come out of his tunnel (only to go back now), but it worked. I have also heard so many here say that when they really let go, that's when the spouse started to make small changes to come back. As Joker puts it, the thrill is gone when the S knows what you're doing, and you're still able to do what you want....it's like saying "yes, you're an adult, you make your own choices, and you're choosing a bad one, and it's not fun anymore." They don't have to put up the charade that they are being faithful, b/c we don't care....we are fine without them....don't NEED them for our happiness, peace of mind, whatever. We're not a wreck and don't need to be deluded.
It's a way of setting your boundaries too. I have also read so many here post (including former MLCers) that when the spouse resists, it prolongs the exit of the A/MLCtunnel, whatever they're in. But, not resisting does NOT mean you're a doormat and accept what they do, it means that you let go of control, set boundaries and move on with your life, happily! It's a concept that OT wrote a lot and that I just recently understood (about boundaries).
When people say it's like dealing with a rebellious teenager, it's right. You have to let them go through this (like Joker said), that means letting go...you're not withdrawing love, you're just giving a tougher love by giving boundaries (not rules)....for YOU, that could be telling your kids to ask their dad where he was when they ask YOU. Or telling your H that he needs to talk to the kids b/c they were asking where he was, and since you have no idea, it would be best he tells them what he sees suitable, he is their father. That is a consequence of his behavior. For me, I stopped making excuses for H at social things...I did not go to "represent US" as I once did...I boldly told people that I had no idea where he was, whether he was coming. It got back to him and made him feel a little uncomfortable. Even now, with out separation, he is VERY bothered that others know, but I am open about it. I will not shelter our life for his sake...it's what he wanted after all.
Mama, I have to take you back a little. We hear from you all the time that H comes home late, and different reactions you have (good ones), but we're not hearing a lot of regular PMA, GAL from you, or things you're doing for YOU that are different. What are those things?
