Yea Mama, I am in your corner. I may not have been a few weeks ago, but now, since I am at a relatively similar place in my sitch (who woulda ever guessed that, lol...mirror images we are) I think you did the right thing and as far as it being DB, well, as with my recent convo and feelings, there comes a point where continuing DBing is really personal and can help in keeping OUR perspective while moving forward with the new M, but I don't think it applies any more when it comes to R talks or being assertive.
I think you and I are at the point where we should not be afraid of asserting our desires and letting the chips fall where they may. It's not that I don't care anymore, because it's possible I care now more than ever, it's just that I finally have compassion and empathy for my W. I finally KNOW this is something she's just doing, and not to me. No matter how many times I have said that to other people, it took this long for me to see.
Will there be horrible days in the future for us Mama? Sure there will, but I think you and I are getting to the point where we are finally closer to being who we really are than ever before in our marriages and will not sit by and subjugate that for this crap anymore. For me, that means I can actually be CLOSER to my W because I don't need to know she'll be there forever. I don't NEED to believe that everything will be ok. I know it will be and that's because I will choose for it to be so, even if that means it will only be ok between me and my boys.
Mama, you have simply chosen to BE ok, whatever that means to you, and you let him know where you stand, calmly and without anger or accusation. It's just out there for him to do with what he will, and as far as you're concerned, that may be anything but what it WON'T be is to control you anymore by hiding behind a layer of supposed ignorance as to the potential results of his actions.
Mama, you and I also know that we care deeply for our spouses and marriages but there comes a time in all this when we have to let go. I think you are actually a step farther than I am in that respect, but my mind, heart and actions are right there with you and it really feels good. It does NOT feel like giving up at ALL somehow. In some way, for me at least, I finally see how by holding on so hard, I never really gave into the process. I was holding on AND holding back because I was afraid to get hurt again. It's only now, once again having little to no expectations, that I realize that I was mostly afraid of hurting myself because her damage was already done. I think we are freeing ourselves to experience life again and take risks because it's REALLY hard to take risks when you are holding onto something you think is a lifeline.
So, I am in your corner Mama, because I am finally, completely in MY corner too.
