Just found the Jokerman's forum (he was a cheater). Very eye opening. While I think things are progressing; H is saying ILY and wearing his wedding ring again, I do not think we are anywhere close to having a good marriage. He still does not come straight home from work. I have to wonder where he is We had a great weekend and then monday he comes home late, didn't call just said he worked late. My a$$, OW probably demanded they spend time together since he came home to me and the kids on Saturday and went away with us. He also "worked late" yesterday. Today when I asked him what time will he be home, he stated "don't know yet" - I can you not know????
I will continue on this DB journey but it just gets so tiring. The alternative is worse so I continue on
Update, H came home late again last night. Claimed to have worked late and stopped for a few beers, again. I am so tired of hanging on. When he went up to bed I went after him and said I needed to say a few things. I started out saying that I thought we had a really great weekend but now I am so sad by the fact that he has come home late each day since. I told him I know his OW probably demanded they spend time together since he was with me and the kids over the weekend. I told him I was thinking of taking the kids to stay with my folks for a while. This got his attention, I told him we both needed space. I asked him if he wanted to stay married and he said yes and he would come straight home from work today. (Huh?) I told him OW was selfish and as nothing to loose by going after a married man with 3 kids and does he realize that he has EVERYTHING to loose, most importantly his kids. I said if you want to work on things, great - if you want to move on to "greener" pastures, I'll be sad but I will be ok although I will not be the one to tell the kids I'll leave that up to him.
He didn't admit or deny anything. He said he wants his family and that he is just so tired all the time (Duh! Leading a double life and keeping track of what lies you told to whom can be very exhausting)
I know that what I did was against the DB advice. I just felt that I had to let him know where I stand. That he is not fooling me with his lies and that I am ready to move forward, with or without him.
Quote: I know that what I did was against the DB advice.
Umm ... I don't think that's anti-DB at all. DB doesn't mean saying "It's OK for you to have sex with someone else, I understand." I think that a lot of DB is about standing up for yourself in a loving way (at least, that's the way I read it). Good job.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Mama, I think telling your H where you stand is great. Db-ing or not, it is perfectly ok to voice your stance to your H. Sometimes I thnk they fool themselves that the double life can continue, acting "as if" in a way I guess.
It all comes down to what makes you happy. While ultimately having an intact marriage is the goal, you have to take care of you and the kiddos first, I know you know that. So, stand tall, go see your folks for a few days if you need to, you are kicking a$$!
Quote: He said he wants his family and that he is just so tired all the time
YEAH! I think some clarity may be starting to set in. I think you did the right thing. An affair is a fantasy. By you laying it on the line for him ONCE he is starting to have some clarity will help him to look at things realistically. If you had done that before the clarity began, it would not have mattered.
GOOD FOR YOU! I hope he sees his selfish ways and what a loving stable family he would be throwing away for the twisted OW. If he left you for the OW, you would probably still love him even though you got a divorce. If/ hopefully when he leaves to OW for his family the OW is going to hate him. She will put him on a guilt trip...it will get ugly. THAT'S NOT LOVE.
I really need reinforcement right now. I want us to salvage what is left of our marriage. We have been together for 14 years, they have been together for less than a year. He will be throwing away so much - good times and bad. My children, who absolutely adore him WILL be heartbroken - why can't he see that? I really believe love is a choice, once you choose to love someone, and it could be anyone, I believe you need to take care of that R by being open and honest. Instead of when the going gets tough, run for comfort from someone else. My H is still confused. OW is like a drug and he is addicted to her. He may wake up after a great weekend and say to himself, ok today is the day I am going to stop seeing her, then he gets to work and she works her manipulative ways and he falls her prey, again.
Hopefully, she will get tired of waiting for him to leave us and resentful of the time that he spends with me and the kids and end the R herself. THIS is what I pray for, unless my H can end it first.
He has too. If he lets himself see it, the guilt will overwhelm him. The mind is always trying to defend itself from pain. He is disconnecting. Again he cannot deal with the cognitive dissonance.
Quote: I really believe love is a choice, once you choose to love someone, and it could be anyone
I agree with you on that one! I do not love my wife; however, I know I am DAMN lucky to have a chance at having such a wonderful person in my life to grow old with. Hopefully through my counseling I will get to the point where I will choose to love her.
Quote: OW is like a drug and he is addicted to her.
Yep. Just like a drug addict or drunk, you justify your behavior, you sneak around, you lie, you will do anything for your addiciton. The problem with affairs is you don't want anyone to know. When you do have guilt or want to get out, you have nowhere to turn but the OW. It is sad really.
Quote: He may wake up after a great weekend and say to himself, ok today is the day I am going to stop seeing her, then he gets to work and she works her manipulative ways and he falls her prey, again
You are dead on. I tried to leave my OW a few times, but it was b/c I felt like I had to. I did not really leave until I got some clarity and WANTED to. Now her manipulative ways have little or no effect on me.
Quote: Hopefully, she will get tired of waiting for him to leave us and resentful of the time that he spends with me and the kids and end the R herself
Maybe, but it would be better if HE ended it. If she ends it and he does not want it to end, he will never fully let go and grab on to you.
I think you have an excellent grasp of the situation. I still cannot believe how strong you are. My W would have left me LONG ago.
IMO your husband does not deserve you, just like I do not deserve my wife. I am starting to see that now and I hope you H will.
Put it this way, I was so far in to my affair I WAS contacting a lawyer to leave my wife. I was already having discussions with my wife about custody and seeing a mediator. It took a lot of small things and a couple of big things for my cloud to lift. But here I am. And despite all the good times with the OW, I am happier now than I ever was with her at least with myself. So I have to believe there is hope for your hubby.
YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU & YOUR KIDS. If he does leave, you will have the peace in your heart you did the right thing and it was his choice not yours. Your kids will see this too and resent him and the OW even more.
But the pain you have now, will not be close to the pain he WILL have once his clarity sets in and he resents the OW, and sees the trainwreck HE allowed the OW to create in his life.
We had a great weekend and then monday he comes home late, didn't call just said he worked late. My a$$, OW probably demanded they spend time together since he came home to me and the kids on Saturday and went away with us. He also "worked late" yesterday. Today when I asked him what time will he be home, he stated "don't know yet" - I can you not know???? 